Sunday, November 25, 2012

dear boy...

Dear Reader,
Many of you have read blog posts titled "Dear Boy..." where a blogger will go through her past love life and identify the problems in each of her relationships. I figure, now is a good a time as ever for me to do the same. I can safely say I'm grateful for each relationship I have been in, because I have learned valuable lessons from each fella. Hold on to your juice box kiddo, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Dear as-close-as-I'll-ever-get-to-Seth-Cohen,
Ah the first boyfriend. I still remember when I beat you at Soul Calibur. Best day ever. I like that we played with our Pokemon cards and called each other "noobs". Also, you smelled like clean laundry. It was swell. But dear, a word of advice: if you want to make a move on a girl, don't put your legs on her and start singing Relient K. It's awkward for everyone...

Dear Warrior,
I still cannot believe I dated someone as attractive as you. Thanks for the bragging rights. You gave me my very first kiss....then the next day said that you were were really tired last night and couldn't remember if it really happened (did I mention it was Valentine's day?). True you were kind of a db....I mean you asked me to prom, dumped me, then asked my best friend....but you are definitely a great person, with a lot of talent, and a lot of luscious, brown skin. One day you wore white shorts and was called a tool by numerous members of my family. Sorry to say it, but I agreed.

Dear Ex-Con,
Oh dear. You were my first "grown up" relationship (if we can even call it that). I once locked my keys in my car, and had you call the cops to come open it. When you told them your name, you went through about 15 minutes of questioning. I sat there thinking to myself: is this normal? --It wasn't.

Dear Jock,
You made me laugh harder than I ever thought imaginable. It's hard to find anything bad to say about you, because you were my best friend for an entire Summer, and you helped me through some unimaginably difficult times. Unfortunately, that's all we were capable of being: best friends. My one advice honey, Carl's Junior and Xbox does not constitute a date...let's dig a little more and use some of that creativity that I know is in there.

Dear Tooele,
You were almost the one. But I couldn't be happier that you aren't! First of all, you spoke french. Strike one. Secondly, you made me watch endless hours of awful snowboarding movies and listen to endless hours of awful Coldplay music. Strike two. And finally, your legs were too hairy. Strike three.  You did teach me a lot about myself though. I learned that I have the ability to fall in love, and the ability to pick myself  back up from loss. I'm eternally grateful for you, even though I still think you're a big dumb idiot. Also, you're from Tooele...

Dear Ego,
At first you were unbelievably charming. Then I got to know you. Never in my life have I met anyone that likes themself as much as you do. You are the complete package sweetie: perfectly tall, smokin' hot, rich, musical, athletic, and a spiritual giant. But you know all of that, and that makes you unattractive. Also, the whole "go up the canyon, play guitar, and draw together" was an amazing date....until I found out you take every girl on that same date. We did have some good times watching Surf Ninjas, hot tubbing, and endlessly quoting obscure rap songs though. And let's be honest, a kiss in the hot summer rain, on a cliff, during a gorgeous sunset, doesn't happen every day. Thanks for showing me that I can be in relationships again.

Dear "The One",
I don't believe we've met yet darling, but I can already tell you that I am crazy about you! I am so excited to spend my life with you laughing, playing, cooking, kissing, raising babies, road-tripping in our escalade, building forts, quoting awful movies, dance-partying, smiling, and forgiving. I'm praying every night to meet you soon, and hope that when I do, I'll be ready for all of your hotness.

...and you'll be ready for all of this.

Your ever-awkward,

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


Dear Reader,
I am starting to write this post, and now cannot stop thinking about Panda Express....
20 minutes later....
Yes, I just went to Panda Express. I had the rare fortune of getting there right as the new chow mein was being placed behind the no-leaning glass. Christmas miracles do come true. I also encountered an elderly couple in matching jogging uniforms, complete with rainbow clogs. It made me ponder the meaning of life. Also, my unhealthy adoration for old people. As much as I dread aging, being wrinkly and green-tinted does have its perks:
1) No judgement for being at Mcdonalds at 8 am on a Saturday.
2) You can wear hawaiian shirts again.
3) Swear all you want. It's adorable. 
4) Your words are taken as "wisdom". Including stealing quotes from bad Susan Sarandon films. 
5) Retirement funds = Escalade. 

Boy, I can't wait til I get that first gray hair on my head. 

I've learned quite a few life lessons in the past couple of months. Some that would benefit everyone in one way or another. Allow me to share my nuggets of knowledge.      
.....yup, now I want mcnuggets.

Lesson #1: How to get rich quick.
I recently dyed my hair for the first time. It's fabulous. But that's not the point. I used a box dye. Now, as we all know, box dyes include a fun-size bottle of liquid gold. Aka, post-dye conditioner. Using it is like making out with an Australian man in the summer rain. Those of you who have used it know exactly what I'm talking about. My hair has never felt or looked better in my entire life. Now my plan is to stock up on these box dyes, and sell the conditioner on the black market for thrice their value. Brilliant. Also, walking around yelling "besos por pesos!" is now paying for my education. Easy money I tell ya. 

Lesson #2: Don't fall asleep watching Big Trouble in Little China
Terrifying dreams.

Lesson #3: Never settle.
This is true with both men and pizza. With men, you have to first realize your worth (mine is approximately $39 million and a small bag of cheddar harvest SunChips). Then you know you deserve someone who is equally amazing as you are. It's not worth it to waste your time dating someone that you're hoping will someday improve to the person you want them to be. It's not fair to them, and it ain't gonna happen. Find someone that you love just the way they are, and quit settling for "projects" or boys with bad breath. As far as pizza goes, don't get Little Caesars just because it's $5. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

Lesson #4: The importance of the 5 minute dance party.
I’ve been under an immense amount of pressure this semester. It’s college, aren’t we all? I’ve tried several ways to blow off steam: baking, cleaning, running, and drawing pictures of Tom Hardy and I on our wedding day. But none of them seem to do the trick. I recently discovered the beauty in turning on a fantastic jam, and dancing my little heart out in the privacy of my bedroom (trust me, no one wants to see my bust a move to “Whoomp, there it is”). I look forward to my ‘Jive for Five’ every day, and highly recommend it to those of you who don’t have a lot of free time and like to get down wit yo bad self.

Lesson #5: Ya like what ya like, and you shouldn’t apologize for it.
We all have things that we like, but are embarrassed to own up to. I say, own up to them! They are part of who you are. And frankly, sometimes you can’t help what you like. This, for example, will forever be my favorite music video. 

(The awkward, wannabe Italian with his shirt falling off is my favorite)

Well Reader, I hope you can take at least one of these nuggets and dip it into your stashed collection of Chik-Fil-A sauce (aka life).

As always,

The Swampman

Friday, September 21, 2012

my life is a gym.

Dear Reader,

I have three favorite places in this world: 1) the temple, 2) the women's bathroom at Olive Garden, and 3) the gym after 6 p.m. This morning, in lieu of my first class being cancelled, I felt the uncommon desire to head on up to the fieldhouse. I learned a very valuable lesson. The gym at 7 a.m.= (for lack of a better term) Fiery Hell Demon.

My journey began when my morning alarm of Chamillionaire went off at 6:25. I consider myself a morning person, so the waking-up part was easy. About halfway up the big hill, I started regretting my decision to run into the blistering winds of Logan before the sun had any chance to warm me up.

I started with pumping some iron. 6 p.m. gym Sam: 12-15 lb weights for 15 minutes. 7 a.m. gym Sam: 10 lb weights during a commercial break of Good Morning America. I moved on to abs. 6 p.m. gym Sam: a 15- minute mixed ab routine. 7 a.m. gym Sam: 30 sit ups then falling half asleep on the mat. I then stretched my right leg for a good 8 minutes....then my left for another 8 minutes. Needless to say, I was feeling limber. Limber and Lazy. The entire time I was on said sleeping mat, a depressed Asian girl stood in the corner and stared at a pipe. Stuff of nightmares. I finished with my run, the usual highlight of my workout. 6 p.m. gym Sam: 3-4 miles on the treadmill while blasting muh Destiny's Child. 7 a.m. gym Sam: two laps around the indoor track, then straight out the door to run the rest of the way home. A total of approximately 3/4 of a mile. Very impressive 7 a.m. gym Sam. Very impressive.

I will say this though, I did feel really refreshed when I got home. That is, until I laid down and realized I could have just been doing that the entire time. Big dumb idiot. I have a new admiration for people who can hit the gym religiously at that time every day. Also, USU ladies, the fieldhouse at 7 a.m.= extremely attractive fellas. Let that be your inspiration to obtaining your physical fitness goals.

I, for one, aspire to look like this man. ---->

As always,
The Swampan

Saturday, September 1, 2012

it would only happen to me.

Dear Reader,

         I'm a true believer that after one is dumped, they are entitled to one good make out dream. And who was the guest star in my coupon dream this past week? None other than this man.

Yes, that is Rick Moranis. You can officially feel bad for me.

         Ya know those awkward moments when you're like "that would seriously only happen to me...." yeah, well I've had a couple winners this week.

         On my first day in physiology lab, I sat in my chair scanning the room for handsome gents. Of course there are only two in the entire class, one of whom was proudly reppin his wedding band. The other, to my delight, was a total fox (It's going to be a 20 woman cat fight this semester).  Our small asian teacher decided to show a video about the reproductive system on the first day. Being a health major, I'm accustomed to hearing the words testes and fallopian quite often, so that wasn't a big deal. The real kicker came when right as the video talked about sperm tails falling off inside of the woman's egg, I gave a disgusted look and made accidental eye contact with the fox. Consider that relationship nipped in the bud. 

         On Tuesday night I decide to have a night in by myself. A "Sammi-Jammy Party" as I like to call them. I've recently fallen in love with the Keri Hilson version of "Turn my Swag On", and decided to put on a little concert in my bedroom. Now before I go on, you should know my philosophy of  "If I can't see you, you can't see me" (pretty self explanatory).  So there I was gettin all kindsa thug in my flat-rimmed North Carolina hat, with my bedroom window wide open. I finished off with a super fly Michael Jackson-esque spin and noticed two guys standing not but 15 feet away with a look of embarrassment for me. I wish them many months of incurable mono. 

         Gosh I love my life. Reader, do yourself a favor today: listen to "Dreams" by The Cranberries, drink some Diet Coke, and take some much needed you time. 

Happy three-day weekend to you all.
-The Swampman

Friday, June 8, 2012

dating application.

When you read that word you either smiled, thinking about your perfect evening last night, or you cringed and possibly vomited up that half pound of little beef sausages you just enhaled (oh wait, that was me).
I for one enjoy dating, but will admit it has been a bit frustrating lately. For someone like me who has been in and out of a serious relationship, it is annoying to have to start back over with an array of awkward first dates. To make my life easier, I have devised a short cut. Allow me to introduce you to......

The "I'd love to get some from Samantha Florence Reeves" dating application

(boys from Tooele need not apply)

1) Highest level of Education:
a. high school grad
b. high school drop out
c. wutz hy skool?
d. Phd in anthropological studies

2) Name of Cologne:
a. Lustful Desire
b. Purely Hombre
c. Feather in the Window of an English Cottage
d. Swagger

3) Favorite Band:
a. The Beatles
b. The Beatles
c. The Beatles
d. Nickelback (if chosen, feel free to crumple up this paper and dispose in nearest trash reciprocal)

4) Political affiliation:
a. Republican
c. Utah Democrat (aka Hipster)
d. Ron Paul Revolutionist (aka Hipster)

5) Choice of Beverage:
a. Diet Coke
b. Pepsi (oh man, you almost made the cut)
c. Mellow Yellow
d. MULK!!

6) Fill in the blank. I think Megan Fox is_____:
a. Unbelievably creepy
b. Insanely frightening
c. Terrifying. Just terrifying.
d. All of the above

7) Favorite film:
a. Anything with Morgan Freeman
b. Anything without Morgan Freeman
c. "The Buttercream Gang"
d. "The Buttercream Gang II"

8) Hobbies:
a. Sports, Sports Center, Sports
b. Slack-lining, drinking tea, discussing literature that no one has heard of
c. Volunteering at animal shelters, making Italian food, making out
d. Halo, Call of Duty, Gears of War

9) Fill in the blank. Samantha Reeves reminds me of_____
a. A newborn naked mole rat
b. Dakota Fanning
c. my grandpa
d. A kiwi (both the fruit and the bird)

10) My ideal first date with Samantha would include:
a. Cafe Rio, playing at a park, and watching a cheesy kung-fu movie
b. A slurpee drinking contest, finger painting, and learning the lyrics to "We didn't start the fire"
c. A trip to the zoo, dinner in Salt Lake, and a saucy first kiss
d. Playing tennis, getting ice cream, and an even saucier first kiss

11) Fill in the blank. I wouldn't be caught dead_____
a. Listening to Phil Collins' greatest hits album
b. Buying off-brand oreos
c. Wearing pajama pants in public
d. Anywhere near K-mart

12) I would say my body is most similar to:
a. Ryan Gosling's
b. Chris Brown's
c. Dwight Howard's
d. My great-aunt Bethina's

13) My biggest flaw is:
a. Chronic Athlete's foot
b. Being too dang sexy
c. Fear of commitment
d. Unhealthy love of cheese graters

14) My best feature is:
a. My thick hair that will never wilt away into a combover
b. My muscly calves that have just the right amount of hair on them
c. My sculpted shoulders that your head would fit perfectly on
d. My personality (ew)

15) My favorite member of 98 degrees was:
a. Nick Lachey
b. Drew Lachey
c. Justin Jeffre
d. Jeff Timmons

Applications can be printed, filled out in blue or black ink, and dropped of stalkerishly in my window sill. Please attach a current full-body photograph. 
None of this, "Well, I was skinny and had hair in 2008!" crap.

As usual, 
        Samantha Florence (aka The Swampman)

Saturday, May 19, 2012

priddy tipz.

Dear Reader,
Lovely weather we're having! So far this summer I've watched a season and a half of Grey's Anatomy, attained 49 new freckles, and heard approximately 17 new Nicki Minaj songs on the radio. You can be jealous.

Reader, today I'm feeling particularly generous and have decided to share with you some of my best "priddy tipz."

1) How to properly thin your hair.
Now, I only discovered this little treasure last Thursday while I was getting ready for a date. What you want to do is put a significant amount of curling gel/mousse in your hair, then hold the blow-dryer a little too close. Voila, burnt hair. Then, after a few moments of panic, you will comb through the burnt hair and magically half of your hair will just fall right out! I tell you what, my hair has never felt so thin!

2) When applying eye makeup remember, more-ish is whore-ish.
This next priddy tip is one that could land you your next career or truck-driving boyfriend--probably both. Read carefully. You want to start with a solid layer of black eye shadow over your entire eye lid. Then add silver shimmer all the way into your eye brow, maybe even a little on top if you're feeling extra daring. Then, for some exotic effect, attempt the Cleopatra eye liner. The more uneven the sides are, the classier you will look. Then finish it off with a colorful mascara, maybe a nice pink or turquoise. Boom. You're a star.

3) Sam's ultimate skin remedy
Ya'll ready for this? Start by getting acne at age 12 (this really helps with your success rate). At age 14, start  spending $150 every couple months on prescription skin care products. These include Sodium Sulfacetamide wash, Benzoyl Peroxide spot treatment, Clindamycin lotion, Tretinoin cream, and Doxycycline pills. It's incredibly simple! Anyone can do it.

(For reals though, dab a cue-tip into some olive oil and use it as a spot treatment. It works wonders. Also, do cream facials weekly!)

Too hot to handle.
4) Always wear two sports bras when going to your air-conditioned gym.
No explanation needed.

5) When in doubt, shave those puppies.
I don't know about you, but I often find myself in the shower contemplating whether or not to shave my legs. I have learned from many an awkward experience that you should just always shave them. Always. I can't tell you how many times I have decided to just wear pants or long capris on a date and still had the boy touch my ankle. His facial expression is usually one of "well....let's pretend THAT didn't just happen." Talk about nipping a relationship in the bud.

6) It's all about the nails.
One of the first things a fetus develops is fingernails. This really exemplifies their importance. I once read that a way to a boys heart is through your fingernails. I've made this my life motto. The tip here is to change your nail color every 3 days. Every two days if you really want to seduce that hotty in your computer class. Avoid the all white color. It looks like you used white-out. Yellows suggest nail fungus. Black is okay for special occasions, but you don't want people thinking you are a huge Avril Lavigne fan, so use it sparingly.

You're welcome.
-The Swampman

Sunday, May 13, 2012

julie z. nash reeves: a woman, a legend.

Dear Reader,
        In case you didn't notice the abundance of flowers, cheesy cards, and Glenn Close films at your local Walmart, today is Mother's Day. I sincerely wish I had my collection of one-eyed baby dolls to thank me for everything I ever did for them (feeding them old Chinese food and giving them "make-overs"). I'd say I made a pretty good provider.

        I would like to dedicate my post today to my mother, Julie "Zapple" Nash Reeves. For those of you who don't know her, let me fill you in on this amazing woman:
       She is without a doubt the most selfless person I have ever met. When I was five, my family took a 19 day trip to all the big cities in the east coast. Refusing to walk like a human being, my mother carried me around on her well-equipped fanny pack for the entire trip. She is always willing to give me her coat when I forget mine (which I have never done, right mom?). And she always slips me some of her food at restaurants when I order something far too advanced for my taste buds (aka, anything besides the child's macaroni and cheese).
       She is BEAUTIFUL. When Star Wars came out, everyone told her she looked just like Princess Leia. (although, she's aged significantly better than Carrie Fisher). She has an incredibly friendly smile that she shares with everyone, and I have always wished that I looked more like her.
       She is insanely talented. Along with being an unbelievable pianist and composer, she managed to transform this girl:
into this girl:
....who is secretly this girl:

         She has incredible taste in music. Not only will she and I pretend to conduct one of Mozart's symphonies while sitting in front of the stereo, she loves rocking out to the Doors, CCR, the Beatles, Boston, and has even admitted that she likes rap (she claims it's because she likes the beat, but we all know it's for those "inspiring" lyrics).
         She is tough as nails. Seriously. I would love to see a fight between her and Carl Weathers.
         She loves to dance in the kitchen when she's cooking. I absolutely love this about her. Many a time have we "mashed-potato'd" while mashing potatoes.
         She is the epitome of an optimist. I've never once heard her complain. Even after two painful, unsuccessful inner-ear surgeries, she was still laughing.
         She is a true California girl. Ya know, the kind that the Beach Boys would sing about.
         I heard she has a super big crush on Shawn Reeves.......
And now, a note to my mama:
Mom, you really are my best friend. I have gone through a lot of unexpected trials over this past year, and you have been right by my side. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I've loved every adventure we have had together (camping trips, education week, 2 am chocolate chip pancake nights, road trip to California, etc.). As much as I love living in Logan, I miss being able to play with you everyday. I look forward to our fun times in the future (which will obviously include tapioca). I am so lucky to have been born to such an incredible mother. I love you!!!

p.s. I really do think you are the "funny one" in the family :)

I feel like this picture really sums up our relationship....
Love always,
      The Swampman

Thursday, April 19, 2012

life as i have it.

Dear Reader,
I made a disturbing discovery about myself the other day, and I feel as though I should share it with you:
There I was, watching my Korean soap opera, drinking a Dr. Pepper, and looking through a knitting magazine. My day had consisted of googling "cute kittens", choosing not to shave my legs, and scanning celeb gossip for a good hour and a half (OMG did you hear that Demi Moore is out of rehab now?) This particular Saturday night ( was the weekend) had not been one out of my norm. As I paused and looked at my reflection in the silver bag lining my Corn Pops cereal box, I saw staring back at me.....a spinstress.

They say admitting it is the first step, right?

I don't know why this new develop came as such a shock to me. I should have seen the signs long ago:
-I haven't completely blow-dried or remotely straightened my hair in almost two months.
-Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm getting more single by the minute.
-I've begun researching loneliness diseases on webmd.
-Nothing makes me laugh harder than birthday cards featuring old ladies with inappropriate jokes.
-I really really REALLY love cats.
-I'm considering buying Rosetta Stone discs and learning Russian (the official language of spinsters)
-I have a poster of Spike from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' in my bedroom.
-Every song I hear seems to say, "Hey Sam, remember how you're not dating anyone and you're going to die alone in your room watching 'Anne of Green Gables' and eating tomato soup?"
-I like 'NCIS' (I hear this can be the most telling symptom).
-I have an obscure infatuation with Martin Van Buren.
-I accidentally put a pumice stone in my shopping cart last Wednesday.
-On this same shopping trip, I read the entire synopsis of a saucy romance novel titled 'Juanita's Inhibitions' while waiting in line.

Reader, I fear I've fallen too far into the web that I've spun (carefully spun with 100% Icelandic wool). Your visits to me would be enjoyed, recipes welcomed, and advice about how to remove grape juice stains from bathtubs...always appreciated.
Much love and harmony,
          The Swampman.....Spinstress......Swimptress

Samantha Florence Reeves, in the year of our Lord 2023

Sunday, April 8, 2012

i am, i am.

Have you ever really thought to yourself, "Who am I?" I find it quite enjoyable to take some time off of studying for exams (playing Mario Kart) and working out (eating Oreos) to think about this. This is what I've come up with concerning who I am:
I am Sam.
Sam I am.
I am a girl.
I am a student at Utah State University. (Go Aggies)
I am an after-school program teacher at Millville Elementary. (Go Cougars)
I am a big advocate for 3 a.m. Macaroni and Cheese. (Kraft only. Don't be giving me that Western Family mulch)
I am a rock.
I am an Island. 
I am skeptical of designer jeans.
I am only now beginning to mourn the death of Amy Winehouse.
I am currently craving celery soup. (I neither like celery nor soup)
I am the future wife of Dwayne Wade.
I am easily distracted by people that hum.
I am really quite photogenic. (see above image)
I am constantly singing "Jump Around" in my head.
I am a wearer of Vans.
I am the owner of 2 copies of "The Lizzie McGuire Movie".
I am slightly addicted to mango lemonade.
I am extremely addicted to "Stairway to Heaven" (fabulous Korean soap opera)
I am a master at singing "Losing My Religion" in an Indian accent.
I am deathly afraid of guy's thighs.
I am awesome at doing jumping jacks across cross walks.
I am a big fan of gettin' thug at least once a week.
I am a protestor against Einstein Bagels closing at 5:30. That's just wrong.
I am easily entertained by watching my calves jiggle as I shake my feet.
I am blonde. Both on the outside, and the inside.
I am a bandwagon Ryan Gosling admirer.
I am the designated insect-killer in my apartment.
I am baffled by wiggle boards.
I am one of those obnoxious people that will correct your ill grammar.
I am that one kid who would cover her hands in rubber cement and play with it at recess.
I am a friend to a large family of ducks that live by my apartment.
And I am a Mormon....(couldn't resist) 

Peace & Love <3 (I just made a heart with one of these < and a 3. Technology is nuts.)
-The Swampman

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

little miss sunshine.

Dear Reader,
I'm in a particularly grand mood today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and an attractive Asian just walked past me in the library (a very rare occasion indeed). I feel as though I should share the sunshine in my heart and tell you some of the little things in life that just make me simply giddy with joy!

Boys in V-necks. Yum. (I could really end the list here...)
Finding leftovers in my fridge.
When people whistle at awkwardly loud volumes in public places. 
Waking up and realizing it's Saturday.
When windows paint rainbows on the wall.
"Be Calm" by Fun.
Jiggly cankles.
Diet Coke. Duh.
When "Space Jam" is on t.v. at my hotel.
Going to the first day of classes and seeing a gorgeous brown man in my class.
When people use words like "cusp" or "dilly-dallying".
"Marcel the Shell with Shoes on" (a must-see youtube series)
Googling 'cute penguin babies'.
Condescending Wonka tweets (ex. Oh, so you hate Kony? You should go defeat him with a status. That'll help.)
Making fun of overly-liberal hipsters ("I was a vegetarian BEFORE meat was even invented.")
New Lil' Wayne songs.
When Sunny D is on sale at Walmart (Yes, I shop at Walmart)
The plastic man-torso that lives in my apartment.
Bill Cosby.

 <<----------This sloth.

Sports bra Tuesdays. (religiously observed)
When the free song of the day on I-tunes doesn't totally sound like a garage band on pixie sticks.
When that super popular girl in your ward has a hideous picture in the ward directory.
Building blanket forts with Emily Landeen.
When the flirty white guy is working at Cafe Rio and I know I'm gonna get extra chicken on my salad.
Watching Hot Rod and eating very cherry jelly beans.
When my nephew Corgan tells me I'm his best friend.
When people get my Karate Kid II references.
Beating Ludwig Von Koopa in Super Mario World. (Saved the best for last, didn't I?)

Oh how the list could go on. Moral of the story: Be happy ya big dumb idiots! Life is good! There is no excuse for acting like Kristen Stewart on her menstrual cycle. Make a list of things that make you happy and go get yourself a Charleston Chew. (Bet you haven't had one in eons)

-Your ever-snickering Swampman

Sunday, March 11, 2012

sammi's back. tell a friend.

Dear Reader,
           Safe to say it's been a while. Why the sudden return? Perhaps it's my boredom on this lonely Saturday night. Or perhaps it's my overflow of thoughts that is making me a little crazy. Either way, time to blog. 
           I COULD start with a recap of the last 8 months of my life. But you know the story: New school year, new roommates, got a new car, kissed a black guy, and discovered the glory that is Chik-Fil-A.
           I COULD tell you all about how I fell in love for the first time and experienced pure joy; how I had my heart broken for the first time and experienced pure hell. And how I finally moved on and realized that I have my whole fabulous life ahead of me (insert other cheesy "Single Power" quotes to make me sound more satisfied with my life). 
           I COULD go on and on about my obsession with cats; how I kidnapped my neighbors cat on Christmas and told my Mom it was a holiday miracle, how I befriended and continue to feed the ginger kitty that lives in my parking lot, and how I love nothing more than calendars of cats unhappily dressed in embarrassing costumes.
          I COULD tell you all about my new best friend Richard K. Morgan who was born with a heart condition and left brain-damaged as a baby. How he truly is an angel on earth without a negative bone in his body. And how he blew the world away with his sign language performance of "Silent Night" at the special needs' mutual talent show. 
           I COULD brag about how I've unintentionally lost 17 pounds since August. #suck it- I just did
           I COULD write this all in Spanish now.....well, almost.
           I COULD admit to my new love of tanning beds. Yes I know they're terrible and hand out cancer like the old man down the street with his nasty butterscotch candies, but until you've tried it once your opinion is like a Nickelback song: I don't want to hear it.
           I COULD tell you all of my hysterical stories from work. Little Nathan with his constant efforts of professing his love for me, little Karina writing a rap about me when I had the flu and getting us matching electric green slap-bracelets, little Jakobi bragging about his shoe-tying ability because he's from Mallad, and the 20+ times that I have been groped (frighteningly enough, I suspect only 19 were accidents....)
          I COULD tell you about the time when I had tea and crumpets with the late Ringo Starr (note: still determining if this was or was not a dream).
          I COULD go into depth about my anxiety of the bus system. There is just so much to be untrusted; so much unknown. 
         But I'm GOING to blog about something that deserves some awareness (and no, it's not that Kony shiz). It's Soylent Green. I hear it's made of people. Spread the word.

-Faithfully Returning, 
             The Swampman