Tuesday, October 8, 2013

my two cents.

Dear Reader,

There I was sitting in class this morning, staring at who I suspect to be an oompa loompa (crazy hair, stout in stature, overly-baked orange skin, sings about quirky mishaps in class....I may have exaggerated that last one) when I started gathering some thoughts I've had swimming around my head for the past couple weeks.

1) It was brought to my attention by a dear friend that arranged marriages ought to be re-established in our culture. It was one of those moments where you instinctively laugh, but then have a sudden moment of pause when you realize what an insanely brilliant idea that is. My feelings on dating right now can be easily described in the diagram below:

Dating>>>Break-up (scary)
Dating>>>Marriage (scarier)

Either way you are facing an extremely anxiety-enducing situation. With the idea of arranged marriages, you get to completely skip the confusing dating phase and dive directly into marital bliss with a stranger....but go with me here....imagine if that stranger ends up being a total maverick like James Franco (a smile that could melt a thousand ice-bergs). Now that's a bandwagon I could jump on. 

2) The 90's got it right. In every way.
I've recently been going through a 90's phase with both my media choices and wardrobe decisions (nothing trumps a solid pair of overalls). A consistent theme I've noticed is clich├ęs. In every high-school based movie, cheerleaders & athletes are always in uniform, band members are always toting along their instruments, and the "geeks" are sex-crazed, acne-ridden, mathletes. Now I don't know about you, but this is EXACTLY how high school was for me. There was also a ridiculous amount of focus on "The Prom". It was the end-all of events of the teenage experience. The majority of the time there would be a “project” character that would get a social and physical make-over just in time for the prom, but would then establish at the heaven-forsaken dance that they would rather be their true selves anyways. Again, EXACTLY my high school experience. Coincidentally I also fell in love with my charming ex step-brother, Paul Rudd.

 <<<<< me......

Now let’s take a moment to reminisce the tween queens of the 90’s. Allow me to introduce the Olsen twins:
I doubt there is a girl out there that didn't at one time or another dream of being an Olsen. Our sweet Mary-Kate and Ashley got their start on Full House and quickly rose to stardom with such hits as Billboard Dad, Passport to Paris, It Takes Two, and not to mention their collection of adventure-mystery blockbusters: The Case of the Volcano, The Case of Thorn Mansion, The Case of the Seaworld Adventure, and my personal fave The Case of the U.S. Space Camp Mission.
This delightfully sassy duo had it all- adoring faces, differing styles, and the incredible ability to say the same words at the same time (not an easy task as we all know). So what if they turned out to be anorexic, crack heads? I owe a large part of my upbringing to their ever-demonstrating example of spunk. 

3) The world only needed two songs. "Without You" -Harry Nillson & "Survivor"-Destiny's Child. Everything else is just noise. 

4) The biggest problem in the gym is not toolish guy in a cut-off shirt watching himself lift, the annoying competitive girl on the treadmill next to you trying to one-up you, or even the uncomfortably high-risk of contracting staph infection. No, the biggest problem is when you get B.O. trapped. Allow me to explain. 
Scenario: Samantha had just began a 30 minute session on the elliptical. No one was around her, Beyonce was pumping, and life was grand. Suddenly a large, hairy, sweaty male stepped on the machine adjacent to her. The overwhelming stench of death filled her respiratory tract. She had been B.O. trapped. Now she was faced with the trying decision--Should she risk being rude and get on a different machine (possibly making a "stanky" face in the process)? Or should she tough it out? Well ladies and gentlemen, she was a pioneer. Almost 30 minutes of breathing in that morbid odor. 

Well Reader, those are my thoughts for today.
Just remember that no matter how hard life gets, you don't have to wake up being Miley Cyrus' parents.

Many thanks,
The Swampman