Thursday, May 2, 2013

oh ya know, just some late night thoughts.

Dear Reader,

I usually go into writing a post with some idea of what I'm going to write about. Tonight I've just consumed too much caffeine and am too scared to watch Law and Order SVU by myself. goes a thoughtless rant about everything and nothing.

I had a thought today: wouldn't it be nice if we could ctrl+z our lives? Like, if you had an unbelievably embarrassing moment, such as that classy reaction after a bee flies down your shirt and stings you while playing kickball with a group of elementary students (oddly specific example that I wouldn't know anything about). Or after one of those foot-in-the-mouth moments where you insult a bad last name like Barfuss and lo and behold it's theirs? Or even after making a huge life mistake, like forgetting that Taco Bell only has Pepsi. You just mentally click ctrl+z and BAM, ZIP, HOLY GRAPEFRUIT BATMAN, it's undone. It's every awkward person's dream. Unfortunately, life's about learning from our mistakes, using our past to influence our future, blah blah blah load of crap. I say, we should start invoking a social ctrl+z rule. If in fact you need a quick undo you can simply say ctrl+z and all involved persons must immediately forget the situation. Reader, I'm willing to start the trend if you are willing to follow. If not, I'm only going to enhance the debilitating awkwardness that is my daily experience here on earth by shouting out nonsense computer lingo.

Much like a b-track Carpenters song, my life doesn't make much sense right now. And I feel like the best thing to do in situations like this is to create a distraction; something that you have complete control over, something that makes sense, something like a new hobby. I've dabbled in my inventing skills ("Pajama Jean Capris" and "Morgan Freeman's Words of Wisdom App"), tried my hand at widdling small woodland creature figurines (you should see my pine marten), wrote a duet for Bette Midler and the ugly, forgotten Jonas brother titled "Well, This is Different...", and even gave spin class a try (two giant bruises and a knot in my gastrocnemius later, I was done..after one class). Regardless of my repeated failures, I've decided my new hobby is finding new hobbies. I can't wait for my next blind date so I can impress him with my extensive list of past-times. I usually just lie and say figure skating.

Which reminds me, blind dates. Aren't they just a treat? Between the guy who was obsessed with Eve 6 and the dude who talked about suturing for 2 hours, I've had my fair share of adventures. But there is something, dare I say, thrilling about spending an evening with someone you have absolutely no clue about and finding out what their deal is. I've learned the key to a good blind date is to set no expectations and pretend to have menstrual cramps if the date is going too long, or if you suspect them of being a wicken.

Reader, I leave you with this thought:

If this creepy, insignificant little fish can be happy, so can you.

As usual,
The Swampman