Friday, September 21, 2012

my life is a gym.

Dear Reader,

I have three favorite places in this world: 1) the temple, 2) the women's bathroom at Olive Garden, and 3) the gym after 6 p.m. This morning, in lieu of my first class being cancelled, I felt the uncommon desire to head on up to the fieldhouse. I learned a very valuable lesson. The gym at 7 a.m.= (for lack of a better term) Fiery Hell Demon.

My journey began when my morning alarm of Chamillionaire went off at 6:25. I consider myself a morning person, so the waking-up part was easy. About halfway up the big hill, I started regretting my decision to run into the blistering winds of Logan before the sun had any chance to warm me up.

I started with pumping some iron. 6 p.m. gym Sam: 12-15 lb weights for 15 minutes. 7 a.m. gym Sam: 10 lb weights during a commercial break of Good Morning America. I moved on to abs. 6 p.m. gym Sam: a 15- minute mixed ab routine. 7 a.m. gym Sam: 30 sit ups then falling half asleep on the mat. I then stretched my right leg for a good 8 minutes....then my left for another 8 minutes. Needless to say, I was feeling limber. Limber and Lazy. The entire time I was on said sleeping mat, a depressed Asian girl stood in the corner and stared at a pipe. Stuff of nightmares. I finished with my run, the usual highlight of my workout. 6 p.m. gym Sam: 3-4 miles on the treadmill while blasting muh Destiny's Child. 7 a.m. gym Sam: two laps around the indoor track, then straight out the door to run the rest of the way home. A total of approximately 3/4 of a mile. Very impressive 7 a.m. gym Sam. Very impressive.

I will say this though, I did feel really refreshed when I got home. That is, until I laid down and realized I could have just been doing that the entire time. Big dumb idiot. I have a new admiration for people who can hit the gym religiously at that time every day. Also, USU ladies, the fieldhouse at 7 a.m.= extremely attractive fellas. Let that be your inspiration to obtaining your physical fitness goals.

I, for one, aspire to look like this man. ---->

As always,
The Swampan

Saturday, September 1, 2012

it would only happen to me.

Dear Reader,

         I'm a true believer that after one is dumped, they are entitled to one good make out dream. And who was the guest star in my coupon dream this past week? None other than this man.

Yes, that is Rick Moranis. You can officially feel bad for me.

         Ya know those awkward moments when you're like "that would seriously only happen to me...." yeah, well I've had a couple winners this week.

         On my first day in physiology lab, I sat in my chair scanning the room for handsome gents. Of course there are only two in the entire class, one of whom was proudly reppin his wedding band. The other, to my delight, was a total fox (It's going to be a 20 woman cat fight this semester).  Our small asian teacher decided to show a video about the reproductive system on the first day. Being a health major, I'm accustomed to hearing the words testes and fallopian quite often, so that wasn't a big deal. The real kicker came when right as the video talked about sperm tails falling off inside of the woman's egg, I gave a disgusted look and made accidental eye contact with the fox. Consider that relationship nipped in the bud. 

         On Tuesday night I decide to have a night in by myself. A "Sammi-Jammy Party" as I like to call them. I've recently fallen in love with the Keri Hilson version of "Turn my Swag On", and decided to put on a little concert in my bedroom. Now before I go on, you should know my philosophy of  "If I can't see you, you can't see me" (pretty self explanatory).  So there I was gettin all kindsa thug in my flat-rimmed North Carolina hat, with my bedroom window wide open. I finished off with a super fly Michael Jackson-esque spin and noticed two guys standing not but 15 feet away with a look of embarrassment for me. I wish them many months of incurable mono. 

         Gosh I love my life. Reader, do yourself a favor today: listen to "Dreams" by The Cranberries, drink some Diet Coke, and take some much needed you time. 

Happy three-day weekend to you all.
-The Swampman