Saturday, May 19, 2012

priddy tipz.

Dear Reader,
Lovely weather we're having! So far this summer I've watched a season and a half of Grey's Anatomy, attained 49 new freckles, and heard approximately 17 new Nicki Minaj songs on the radio. You can be jealous.

Reader, today I'm feeling particularly generous and have decided to share with you some of my best "priddy tipz."

1) How to properly thin your hair.
Now, I only discovered this little treasure last Thursday while I was getting ready for a date. What you want to do is put a significant amount of curling gel/mousse in your hair, then hold the blow-dryer a little too close. Voila, burnt hair. Then, after a few moments of panic, you will comb through the burnt hair and magically half of your hair will just fall right out! I tell you what, my hair has never felt so thin!

2) When applying eye makeup remember, more-ish is whore-ish.
This next priddy tip is one that could land you your next career or truck-driving boyfriend--probably both. Read carefully. You want to start with a solid layer of black eye shadow over your entire eye lid. Then add silver shimmer all the way into your eye brow, maybe even a little on top if you're feeling extra daring. Then, for some exotic effect, attempt the Cleopatra eye liner. The more uneven the sides are, the classier you will look. Then finish it off with a colorful mascara, maybe a nice pink or turquoise. Boom. You're a star.

3) Sam's ultimate skin remedy
Ya'll ready for this? Start by getting acne at age 12 (this really helps with your success rate). At age 14, start  spending $150 every couple months on prescription skin care products. These include Sodium Sulfacetamide wash, Benzoyl Peroxide spot treatment, Clindamycin lotion, Tretinoin cream, and Doxycycline pills. It's incredibly simple! Anyone can do it.

(For reals though, dab a cue-tip into some olive oil and use it as a spot treatment. It works wonders. Also, do cream facials weekly!)

Too hot to handle.
4) Always wear two sports bras when going to your air-conditioned gym.
No explanation needed.

5) When in doubt, shave those puppies.
I don't know about you, but I often find myself in the shower contemplating whether or not to shave my legs. I have learned from many an awkward experience that you should just always shave them. Always. I can't tell you how many times I have decided to just wear pants or long capris on a date and still had the boy touch my ankle. His facial expression is usually one of "well....let's pretend THAT didn't just happen." Talk about nipping a relationship in the bud.

6) It's all about the nails.
One of the first things a fetus develops is fingernails. This really exemplifies their importance. I once read that a way to a boys heart is through your fingernails. I've made this my life motto. The tip here is to change your nail color every 3 days. Every two days if you really want to seduce that hotty in your computer class. Avoid the all white color. It looks like you used white-out. Yellows suggest nail fungus. Black is okay for special occasions, but you don't want people thinking you are a huge Avril Lavigne fan, so use it sparingly.

You're welcome.
-The Swampman

Sunday, May 13, 2012

julie z. nash reeves: a woman, a legend.

Dear Reader,
        In case you didn't notice the abundance of flowers, cheesy cards, and Glenn Close films at your local Walmart, today is Mother's Day. I sincerely wish I had my collection of one-eyed baby dolls to thank me for everything I ever did for them (feeding them old Chinese food and giving them "make-overs"). I'd say I made a pretty good provider.

        I would like to dedicate my post today to my mother, Julie "Zapple" Nash Reeves. For those of you who don't know her, let me fill you in on this amazing woman:
       She is without a doubt the most selfless person I have ever met. When I was five, my family took a 19 day trip to all the big cities in the east coast. Refusing to walk like a human being, my mother carried me around on her well-equipped fanny pack for the entire trip. She is always willing to give me her coat when I forget mine (which I have never done, right mom?). And she always slips me some of her food at restaurants when I order something far too advanced for my taste buds (aka, anything besides the child's macaroni and cheese).
       She is BEAUTIFUL. When Star Wars came out, everyone told her she looked just like Princess Leia. (although, she's aged significantly better than Carrie Fisher). She has an incredibly friendly smile that she shares with everyone, and I have always wished that I looked more like her.
       She is insanely talented. Along with being an unbelievable pianist and composer, she managed to transform this girl:
into this girl:
....who is secretly this girl:

         She has incredible taste in music. Not only will she and I pretend to conduct one of Mozart's symphonies while sitting in front of the stereo, she loves rocking out to the Doors, CCR, the Beatles, Boston, and has even admitted that she likes rap (she claims it's because she likes the beat, but we all know it's for those "inspiring" lyrics).
         She is tough as nails. Seriously. I would love to see a fight between her and Carl Weathers.
         She loves to dance in the kitchen when she's cooking. I absolutely love this about her. Many a time have we "mashed-potato'd" while mashing potatoes.
         She is the epitome of an optimist. I've never once heard her complain. Even after two painful, unsuccessful inner-ear surgeries, she was still laughing.
         She is a true California girl. Ya know, the kind that the Beach Boys would sing about.
         I heard she has a super big crush on Shawn Reeves.......
And now, a note to my mama:
Mom, you really are my best friend. I have gone through a lot of unexpected trials over this past year, and you have been right by my side. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I've loved every adventure we have had together (camping trips, education week, 2 am chocolate chip pancake nights, road trip to California, etc.). As much as I love living in Logan, I miss being able to play with you everyday. I look forward to our fun times in the future (which will obviously include tapioca). I am so lucky to have been born to such an incredible mother. I love you!!!

p.s. I really do think you are the "funny one" in the family :)

I feel like this picture really sums up our relationship....
Love always,
      The Swampman