Friday, June 8, 2012

dating application.

When you read that word you either smiled, thinking about your perfect evening last night, or you cringed and possibly vomited up that half pound of little beef sausages you just enhaled (oh wait, that was me).
I for one enjoy dating, but will admit it has been a bit frustrating lately. For someone like me who has been in and out of a serious relationship, it is annoying to have to start back over with an array of awkward first dates. To make my life easier, I have devised a short cut. Allow me to introduce you to......

The "I'd love to get some from Samantha Florence Reeves" dating application

(boys from Tooele need not apply)

1) Highest level of Education:
a. high school grad
b. high school drop out
c. wutz hy skool?
d. Phd in anthropological studies

2) Name of Cologne:
a. Lustful Desire
b. Purely Hombre
c. Feather in the Window of an English Cottage
d. Swagger

3) Favorite Band:
a. The Beatles
b. The Beatles
c. The Beatles
d. Nickelback (if chosen, feel free to crumple up this paper and dispose in nearest trash reciprocal)

4) Political affiliation:
a. Republican
c. Utah Democrat (aka Hipster)
d. Ron Paul Revolutionist (aka Hipster)

5) Choice of Beverage:
a. Diet Coke
b. Pepsi (oh man, you almost made the cut)
c. Mellow Yellow
d. MULK!!

6) Fill in the blank. I think Megan Fox is_____:
a. Unbelievably creepy
b. Insanely frightening
c. Terrifying. Just terrifying.
d. All of the above

7) Favorite film:
a. Anything with Morgan Freeman
b. Anything without Morgan Freeman
c. "The Buttercream Gang"
d. "The Buttercream Gang II"

8) Hobbies:
a. Sports, Sports Center, Sports
b. Slack-lining, drinking tea, discussing literature that no one has heard of
c. Volunteering at animal shelters, making Italian food, making out
d. Halo, Call of Duty, Gears of War

9) Fill in the blank. Samantha Reeves reminds me of_____
a. A newborn naked mole rat
b. Dakota Fanning
c. my grandpa
d. A kiwi (both the fruit and the bird)

10) My ideal first date with Samantha would include:
a. Cafe Rio, playing at a park, and watching a cheesy kung-fu movie
b. A slurpee drinking contest, finger painting, and learning the lyrics to "We didn't start the fire"
c. A trip to the zoo, dinner in Salt Lake, and a saucy first kiss
d. Playing tennis, getting ice cream, and an even saucier first kiss

11) Fill in the blank. I wouldn't be caught dead_____
a. Listening to Phil Collins' greatest hits album
b. Buying off-brand oreos
c. Wearing pajama pants in public
d. Anywhere near K-mart

12) I would say my body is most similar to:
a. Ryan Gosling's
b. Chris Brown's
c. Dwight Howard's
d. My great-aunt Bethina's

13) My biggest flaw is:
a. Chronic Athlete's foot
b. Being too dang sexy
c. Fear of commitment
d. Unhealthy love of cheese graters

14) My best feature is:
a. My thick hair that will never wilt away into a combover
b. My muscly calves that have just the right amount of hair on them
c. My sculpted shoulders that your head would fit perfectly on
d. My personality (ew)

15) My favorite member of 98 degrees was:
a. Nick Lachey
b. Drew Lachey
c. Justin Jeffre
d. Jeff Timmons

Applications can be printed, filled out in blue or black ink, and dropped of stalkerishly in my window sill. Please attach a current full-body photograph. 
None of this, "Well, I was skinny and had hair in 2008!" crap.

As usual, 
        Samantha Florence (aka The Swampman)