Sunday, November 25, 2012

dear boy...

Dear Reader,
Many of you have read blog posts titled "Dear Boy..." where a blogger will go through her past love life and identify the problems in each of her relationships. I figure, now is a good a time as ever for me to do the same. I can safely say I'm grateful for each relationship I have been in, because I have learned valuable lessons from each fella. Hold on to your juice box kiddo, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Dear as-close-as-I'll-ever-get-to-Seth-Cohen,
Ah the first boyfriend. I still remember when I beat you at Soul Calibur. Best day ever. I like that we played with our Pokemon cards and called each other "noobs". Also, you smelled like clean laundry. It was swell. But dear, a word of advice: if you want to make a move on a girl, don't put your legs on her and start singing Relient K. It's awkward for everyone...

Dear Warrior,
I still cannot believe I dated someone as attractive as you. Thanks for the bragging rights. You gave me my very first kiss....then the next day said that you were were really tired last night and couldn't remember if it really happened (did I mention it was Valentine's day?). True you were kind of a db....I mean you asked me to prom, dumped me, then asked my best friend....but you are definitely a great person, with a lot of talent, and a lot of luscious, brown skin. One day you wore white shorts and was called a tool by numerous members of my family. Sorry to say it, but I agreed.

Dear Ex-Con,
Oh dear. You were my first "grown up" relationship (if we can even call it that). I once locked my keys in my car, and had you call the cops to come open it. When you told them your name, you went through about 15 minutes of questioning. I sat there thinking to myself: is this normal? --It wasn't.

Dear Jock,
You made me laugh harder than I ever thought imaginable. It's hard to find anything bad to say about you, because you were my best friend for an entire Summer, and you helped me through some unimaginably difficult times. Unfortunately, that's all we were capable of being: best friends. My one advice honey, Carl's Junior and Xbox does not constitute a date...let's dig a little more and use some of that creativity that I know is in there.

Dear Tooele,
You were almost the one. But I couldn't be happier that you aren't! First of all, you spoke french. Strike one. Secondly, you made me watch endless hours of awful snowboarding movies and listen to endless hours of awful Coldplay music. Strike two. And finally, your legs were too hairy. Strike three.  You did teach me a lot about myself though. I learned that I have the ability to fall in love, and the ability to pick myself  back up from loss. I'm eternally grateful for you, even though I still think you're a big dumb idiot. Also, you're from Tooele...

Dear Ego,
At first you were unbelievably charming. Then I got to know you. Never in my life have I met anyone that likes themself as much as you do. You are the complete package sweetie: perfectly tall, smokin' hot, rich, musical, athletic, and a spiritual giant. But you know all of that, and that makes you unattractive. Also, the whole "go up the canyon, play guitar, and draw together" was an amazing date....until I found out you take every girl on that same date. We did have some good times watching Surf Ninjas, hot tubbing, and endlessly quoting obscure rap songs though. And let's be honest, a kiss in the hot summer rain, on a cliff, during a gorgeous sunset, doesn't happen every day. Thanks for showing me that I can be in relationships again.

Dear "The One",
I don't believe we've met yet darling, but I can already tell you that I am crazy about you! I am so excited to spend my life with you laughing, playing, cooking, kissing, raising babies, road-tripping in our escalade, building forts, quoting awful movies, dance-partying, smiling, and forgiving. I'm praying every night to meet you soon, and hope that when I do, I'll be ready for all of your hotness.

...and you'll be ready for all of this.

Your ever-awkward,

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


Dear Reader,
I am starting to write this post, and now cannot stop thinking about Panda Express....
20 minutes later....
Yes, I just went to Panda Express. I had the rare fortune of getting there right as the new chow mein was being placed behind the no-leaning glass. Christmas miracles do come true. I also encountered an elderly couple in matching jogging uniforms, complete with rainbow clogs. It made me ponder the meaning of life. Also, my unhealthy adoration for old people. As much as I dread aging, being wrinkly and green-tinted does have its perks:
1) No judgement for being at Mcdonalds at 8 am on a Saturday.
2) You can wear hawaiian shirts again.
3) Swear all you want. It's adorable. 
4) Your words are taken as "wisdom". Including stealing quotes from bad Susan Sarandon films. 
5) Retirement funds = Escalade. 

Boy, I can't wait til I get that first gray hair on my head. 

I've learned quite a few life lessons in the past couple of months. Some that would benefit everyone in one way or another. Allow me to share my nuggets of knowledge.      
.....yup, now I want mcnuggets.

Lesson #1: How to get rich quick.
I recently dyed my hair for the first time. It's fabulous. But that's not the point. I used a box dye. Now, as we all know, box dyes include a fun-size bottle of liquid gold. Aka, post-dye conditioner. Using it is like making out with an Australian man in the summer rain. Those of you who have used it know exactly what I'm talking about. My hair has never felt or looked better in my entire life. Now my plan is to stock up on these box dyes, and sell the conditioner on the black market for thrice their value. Brilliant. Also, walking around yelling "besos por pesos!" is now paying for my education. Easy money I tell ya. 

Lesson #2: Don't fall asleep watching Big Trouble in Little China
Terrifying dreams.

Lesson #3: Never settle.
This is true with both men and pizza. With men, you have to first realize your worth (mine is approximately $39 million and a small bag of cheddar harvest SunChips). Then you know you deserve someone who is equally amazing as you are. It's not worth it to waste your time dating someone that you're hoping will someday improve to the person you want them to be. It's not fair to them, and it ain't gonna happen. Find someone that you love just the way they are, and quit settling for "projects" or boys with bad breath. As far as pizza goes, don't get Little Caesars just because it's $5. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

Lesson #4: The importance of the 5 minute dance party.
I’ve been under an immense amount of pressure this semester. It’s college, aren’t we all? I’ve tried several ways to blow off steam: baking, cleaning, running, and drawing pictures of Tom Hardy and I on our wedding day. But none of them seem to do the trick. I recently discovered the beauty in turning on a fantastic jam, and dancing my little heart out in the privacy of my bedroom (trust me, no one wants to see my bust a move to “Whoomp, there it is”). I look forward to my ‘Jive for Five’ every day, and highly recommend it to those of you who don’t have a lot of free time and like to get down wit yo bad self.

Lesson #5: Ya like what ya like, and you shouldn’t apologize for it.
We all have things that we like, but are embarrassed to own up to. I say, own up to them! They are part of who you are. And frankly, sometimes you can’t help what you like. This, for example, will forever be my favorite music video. 

(The awkward, wannabe Italian with his shirt falling off is my favorite)

Well Reader, I hope you can take at least one of these nuggets and dip it into your stashed collection of Chik-Fil-A sauce (aka life).

As always,

The Swampman