Tuesday, November 20, 2012


Dear Reader,
I am starting to write this post, and now cannot stop thinking about Panda Express....
20 minutes later....
Yes, I just went to Panda Express. I had the rare fortune of getting there right as the new chow mein was being placed behind the no-leaning glass. Christmas miracles do come true. I also encountered an elderly couple in matching jogging uniforms, complete with rainbow clogs. It made me ponder the meaning of life. Also, my unhealthy adoration for old people. As much as I dread aging, being wrinkly and green-tinted does have its perks:
1) No judgement for being at Mcdonalds at 8 am on a Saturday.
2) You can wear hawaiian shirts again.
3) Swear all you want. It's adorable. 
4) Your words are taken as "wisdom". Including stealing quotes from bad Susan Sarandon films. 
5) Retirement funds = Escalade. 

Boy, I can't wait til I get that first gray hair on my head. 

I've learned quite a few life lessons in the past couple of months. Some that would benefit everyone in one way or another. Allow me to share my nuggets of knowledge.      
.....yup, now I want mcnuggets.

Lesson #1: How to get rich quick.
I recently dyed my hair for the first time. It's fabulous. But that's not the point. I used a box dye. Now, as we all know, box dyes include a fun-size bottle of liquid gold. Aka, post-dye conditioner. Using it is like making out with an Australian man in the summer rain. Those of you who have used it know exactly what I'm talking about. My hair has never felt or looked better in my entire life. Now my plan is to stock up on these box dyes, and sell the conditioner on the black market for thrice their value. Brilliant. Also, walking around yelling "besos por pesos!" is now paying for my education. Easy money I tell ya. 

Lesson #2: Don't fall asleep watching Big Trouble in Little China
Terrifying dreams.

Lesson #3: Never settle.
This is true with both men and pizza. With men, you have to first realize your worth (mine is approximately $39 million and a small bag of cheddar harvest SunChips). Then you know you deserve someone who is equally amazing as you are. It's not worth it to waste your time dating someone that you're hoping will someday improve to the person you want them to be. It's not fair to them, and it ain't gonna happen. Find someone that you love just the way they are, and quit settling for "projects" or boys with bad breath. As far as pizza goes, don't get Little Caesars just because it's $5. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

Lesson #4: The importance of the 5 minute dance party.
I’ve been under an immense amount of pressure this semester. It’s college, aren’t we all? I’ve tried several ways to blow off steam: baking, cleaning, running, and drawing pictures of Tom Hardy and I on our wedding day. But none of them seem to do the trick. I recently discovered the beauty in turning on a fantastic jam, and dancing my little heart out in the privacy of my bedroom (trust me, no one wants to see my bust a move to “Whoomp, there it is”). I look forward to my ‘Jive for Five’ every day, and highly recommend it to those of you who don’t have a lot of free time and like to get down wit yo bad self.

Lesson #5: Ya like what ya like, and you shouldn’t apologize for it.
We all have things that we like, but are embarrassed to own up to. I say, own up to them! They are part of who you are. And frankly, sometimes you can’t help what you like. This, for example, will forever be my favorite music video. 

(The awkward, wannabe Italian with his shirt falling off is my favorite)

Well Reader, I hope you can take at least one of these nuggets and dip it into your stashed collection of Chik-Fil-A sauce (aka life).

As always,

The Swampman

1 comment:

  1. I too love Dream Street's music video. I plan to raise my children on a healthy dose of the late 90s, early 2000s.

    Looking forward to our sleepover! :D