Sunday, July 31, 2011

stream of consciousness.

Dear Reader,
Oh how I've missed you! Life has kept me fairly busy, and my time for blogging has been bleak. Bleak? What does that even mean? Sounds like an eye disease. Gross. In case you didn't know, my biggest phobia is pink eye. I'm literally terrified of it. If I catch someone rubbing their eye or picking out a gooey substance, I make it a point to not talk to them for a minimum of 48 hours. I sincerely hope they don't take it personally. The last time I had pink eye was over spring break my sophomore year of high school. I spent that entire week eating Craisins and watching "Juno" over and over and over again. Is there anyone more awkward or adorable than Michael Cera? I think not. And while we're being honest here, let's just admit that awkward boys are simply the best. In fact, here I go- The loves of my life: Awkward Edition.

1. Michael Cera
He's been my George-Michael Bluth, my Paulie Bleeker, and my Scott Pilgrim. His face is innocent, but slightly he kinda looks like a cartoon character. He encompasses everything that is awkward...minus being a ginger. Famous for awkwardly saying, "Tongue?" 

2. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)
Second only to Adam Brody as being the hottest nerd I've ever laid eyes upon. He's ridiculously skinny and hairy, but I find his inability to shut up rather endearing. Famous for awkwardly saying, "Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors."

3. Neville Longbottom (Harry Potter)
No, not the actor who plays him (Matthew Lewis). He is far too creepy for my taste. I'm talking about dear, sweet, chubby-cheeked Neville who ends up saving the entire wizarding world while Harry plays dead and has tickle fights with Voldie. I'm sure the casting director figured he'd get more normal looking as the years went on...oops. Famous for awkwardly saying, "It doesn't matter that Harry's gone. People die every day. Friends, family. Yeah, we still lost Harry tonight, but he's still with us."

 4. Mike Bibby (NBA)
The baller with a face that only his mother would love. His mother, that is, and Samantha Florence Reeves. He's currently one of the lowest paid players on the Miami Heat, and I can't tell what the heck his race is. And yet, he's my favorite NBA star. Famous for awkwardly saying, "Uh....yo...pass me da ball."

5. Kevin Powell (Hot Rod)
Lovable. More lovable than a beagle puppy. With the body of a 12 year old, and the brain of a 7 year old, Kevin has rightfully earned his spot on my list. His mind is always in a place full of dancing ice cream cones, and he seems to be very happy there. Famous for awkwardly saying, "Hey, Rod, what's that song about a grandma getting run over by a reindeer?"

And there you have it, Reader. My top 5. How I got from pink eye to Kevin remains a mystery to me. Another mystery in my life: Why the heck do Corn Pops come in a metallic bag? All other cereals are packaged in wax paper...there is something truly fishy going on down at Kellog's. Also, Kellog is a grody word. If I were to write a sci-fi novel about a young boy who gets lost on the moon of Krendor, I would name his slimy sidekick Kellog. And who would I get to play the young lad in this tale? Easy. Frankie Muniz. What ever happened to him anyways? Ah hah! Another mystery. I should really quit my job, drop out of school, and become a detective who looks into things that people wonder about on a daily basis but are too afraid to admit. Well there you have it. I've got a new life goal. I'm gonna go get started on mystery number 1- Who writes those funny phrases on Taco Bell sauces?

Til next time,
The Swampman

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

i'm a belieber.

Dear Reader,
My thoughts today are short and sweet. Deal with it. After a year of resentment it's finally happened: I've got Bieber Fever...and I've got it bad. It started with constantly listening to him during freeze dance with the kids at work. They all love him. The girls, the boys, the punks, the quiet ones, and even my co-workers. So I downloaded a little, and listened to it a lot. Then "Never Say Never" was Redboxed and loved. Oh how it was loved. Girlish screams were heard throughout the room, and to my shock, they were mine. Do I feel slightly creepy? You could say that. I'm definitely past my pre-teen days of obsessing over celebs. But I'm confident in my decision to become a raving fan.
Here's my reasoning:
- Boys got some sweet hair.
- He plays the drums like a boss.
- His falsetto is like butter.
- He tries his best to dougie. And although it's a pathetic attempt, I respect his diligent efforts.
- Chris Brown is getting less and less appealing. It's time for me to move on. 
- He sang with Boyz 2 Men. Nuff said.
- His last name is ridiculously fun to say.

So Reader, obviously I am fully justified. Or, go with me here, "Justinfied"! I could go on for hours about my new love, but sadly I must go glue rhinestone hearts on literally everything I own. Do yourself a favor and just indulge in the Biebs. You know you secretly want to.

Til next time,
The Swampman