Saturday, May 19, 2012

priddy tipz.

Dear Reader,
Lovely weather we're having! So far this summer I've watched a season and a half of Grey's Anatomy, attained 49 new freckles, and heard approximately 17 new Nicki Minaj songs on the radio. You can be jealous.

Reader, today I'm feeling particularly generous and have decided to share with you some of my best "priddy tipz."

1) How to properly thin your hair.
Now, I only discovered this little treasure last Thursday while I was getting ready for a date. What you want to do is put a significant amount of curling gel/mousse in your hair, then hold the blow-dryer a little too close. Voila, burnt hair. Then, after a few moments of panic, you will comb through the burnt hair and magically half of your hair will just fall right out! I tell you what, my hair has never felt so thin!

2) When applying eye makeup remember, more-ish is whore-ish.
This next priddy tip is one that could land you your next career or truck-driving boyfriend--probably both. Read carefully. You want to start with a solid layer of black eye shadow over your entire eye lid. Then add silver shimmer all the way into your eye brow, maybe even a little on top if you're feeling extra daring. Then, for some exotic effect, attempt the Cleopatra eye liner. The more uneven the sides are, the classier you will look. Then finish it off with a colorful mascara, maybe a nice pink or turquoise. Boom. You're a star.

3) Sam's ultimate skin remedy
Ya'll ready for this? Start by getting acne at age 12 (this really helps with your success rate). At age 14, start  spending $150 every couple months on prescription skin care products. These include Sodium Sulfacetamide wash, Benzoyl Peroxide spot treatment, Clindamycin lotion, Tretinoin cream, and Doxycycline pills. It's incredibly simple! Anyone can do it.

(For reals though, dab a cue-tip into some olive oil and use it as a spot treatment. It works wonders. Also, do cream facials weekly!)

Too hot to handle.
4) Always wear two sports bras when going to your air-conditioned gym.
No explanation needed.

5) When in doubt, shave those puppies.
I don't know about you, but I often find myself in the shower contemplating whether or not to shave my legs. I have learned from many an awkward experience that you should just always shave them. Always. I can't tell you how many times I have decided to just wear pants or long capris on a date and still had the boy touch my ankle. His facial expression is usually one of "well....let's pretend THAT didn't just happen." Talk about nipping a relationship in the bud.

6) It's all about the nails.
One of the first things a fetus develops is fingernails. This really exemplifies their importance. I once read that a way to a boys heart is through your fingernails. I've made this my life motto. The tip here is to change your nail color every 3 days. Every two days if you really want to seduce that hotty in your computer class. Avoid the all white color. It looks like you used white-out. Yellows suggest nail fungus. Black is okay for special occasions, but you don't want people thinking you are a huge Avril Lavigne fan, so use it sparingly.

You're welcome.
-The Swampman


  1. guess i gotta go shave me legs and re-paint my nails for this date tonight! ha ha but really... i do. you are funny and i love this

  2. Haha Oh Samantha I needed this today!