the art of the break-up.

Dear Reader,
We need to talk. I'm just not feeling right about us anymore. It's not you, it's me. I'm just not ready to settle down in a relationship. I still have feelings for someone else. Remember that girl I met the other day....well...But don't worry, you're wonderful and will find someone else in no time!

We've all heard at least one of these lousy break-up lines at one time or another in our lives.

It comes down to this: break-ups suck. Regardless of the reasoning, they absolutely suck. Today I want to talk a little bit about the art of dealing with a break-up.

1. Dealing with the initial shock
"WTF?? He/She is breaking up with me?? What did I do wrong?? Why are they doing this?? How could they do that to me??" --Okay honey, slow it down a little. Of course when they break the news to you, you have a million questions buzzing around your head. That's totally fine and normal. It's a confusing thing when the relationship goes from seemingly perfect to dead in a matter of seconds. My advice, instead of vomiting up each question as it comes (much like a late night trip to Betos) hold them in and carefully select and word the questions that you REALLY want answers to. But don't you dare ask them what you did wrong, or what you could have done better. They have just made the huge mistake of letting you go, and that doesn't mean you need to become a pitiful helpless being that only needed them to be happy.

2. Don't feel like you need to resolve everything in 5 minutes
It's okay to not feel closure after talking with your now ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. You shouldn't have to take the bad news, rip them apart, forgive them, and decide to be friends all in one fell swoop (you shouldn't be friends with your exes anyways!). Just take the news, be angry and hurt, then leave the situation. It's better to split up each of these steps, so you can go through them with a clear mind.

3. Things left unsaid
There is nothing I hate more than regretting not saying something to the guy breaking my heart. But it's good to take a few days or weeks and think about these things. Take the emotion out of it, and decide what you want them to know. Whether that's how badly they really hurt you, your desire for them to burn in a fiery hell pit, or your hope that you can both find better happiness is totally up to you. In my opinion, it's okay to talk to them again. You can't really get closure without it. Keep it short and unemotional, but say what you need to say so you can get on the path to recovery.

4.  It's okay to hurt
For crying out loud, if someone rips out your heart and steps on it, don't be ashamed to cry. Be sad, be angry, feel it all. I once read an analogy about a glass of water. If your arm is extended and you're asked to hold a heavy glass of water, you could it with ease for a short while. The longer you hold it though, the harder it will be. But if you were to immediately drop the glass of, you would never understand what it feels like to hold it. So go ahead and be upset for a while! But at some point you've got to make the decision to let it go.

5. Coping 101
We all have different ways of coping. Some feel the need to talk to everyone about everything, while others keep to themselves. Some eat away their feelings, while others run out their anger. Each situation is different. Find what works for you.With that, I'm going to share some coping tips that have helped me throughout the years.

Food

Don't start pigging out on pizza, chocolate, or sticks of butter. You'll just feel worse about yourself and your love handles. This is the time to eat the healthiest! When it seems like everything else has gone to pot, eating fresh fruits/vegetables will make you feel like a million bucks. Plus, should you run into your ex in the near future you'll have an extra glow about you instead of an extra chin.

Music

I'm a firm believer in the magic of a break-up playlist. It really helps to have all the hurt and confusion you're feeling put to a catchy tune. I think there's a good song for just about every break-up scenario.

Got a cheater on your hands?

Don't worry, Christina's got your back. This song helps to remind us that the worst part of them cheating on you is the fact that they gave you up.

Did he/she move on first and find the love of their life? 

Thanks Adele. Perfectly said. 

 

Meant to be together, but it didn't work out? 

Just sit back and indulge in the saddest song ever written.

...And not to mention EVERY girl power song written by Pink or Kelly Clarkson.

Immature acts that make you feel better

-Draw their face on a watermelon and smash it.

-Write everything you hate about them on water balloons and throw them out your window. 

-Dart boards can be very therapeutic.

-Write a long, angry "letter to the other woman (or man)" and mail it to a made-up address. 

-Gather up all of the flowers, teddy bears, love notes, etc that they gave to you and have yourself a little bonfire. 

-Drive past their house and flip them off (Mom, I promise I've never done this...)

TREAT YO SELF

Finally, a good excuse to spend money on something fun! Go get your hair done, get a mani/pedi, buy some new shoes, get name brand deli meat, adopt a disabled koala bear, whatever makes you feel better! Now that you're back on the market, you'll need to be looking your very best :)

Reader, the most important thing to remember is to keep your chin up! The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow (I read that on a Crossfit ad today- I felt inspired to get great triceps).  

Can you believe this face just got dumped? Neither can I.

-Your currently broken-hearted, but soon to be independent rockstar, Swampman

dear boy...

Dear Reader,
Many of you have read blog posts titled "Dear Boy..." where a blogger will go through her past love life and identify the problems in each of her relationships. I figure, now is a good a time as ever for me to do the same. I can safely say I'm grateful for each relationship I have been in, because I have learned valuable lessons from each fella. Hold on to your juice box kiddo, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Dear as-close-as-I'll-ever-get-to-Seth-Cohen,
Ah the first boyfriend. I still remember when I beat you at Soul Calibur. Best day ever. I like that we played with our Pokemon cards and called each other "noobs". Also, you smelled like clean laundry. It was swell. But dear, a word of advice: if you want to make a move on a girl, don't put your legs on her and start singing Relient K. It's awkward for everyone...

Dear Warrior,
I still cannot believe I dated someone as attractive as you. Thanks for the bragging rights. You gave me my very first kiss....then the next day said that you were were really tired last night and couldn't remember if it really happened (did I mention it was Valentine's day?). True you were kind of a db....I mean you asked me to prom, dumped me, then asked my best friend....but you are definitely a great person, with a lot of talent, and a lot of luscious, brown skin. One day you wore white shorts and was called a tool by numerous members of my family. Sorry to say it, but I agreed.

Dear Ex-Con,
Oh dear. You were my first "grown up" relationship (if we can even call it that). I once locked my keys in my car, and had you call the cops to come open it. When you told them your name, you went through about 15 minutes of questioning. I sat there thinking to myself: is this normal? --It wasn't.

Dear Jock,
You made me laugh harder than I ever thought imaginable. It's hard to find anything bad to say about you, because you were my best friend for an entire Summer, and you helped me through some unimaginably difficult times. Unfortunately, that's all we were capable of being: best friends. My one advice honey, Carl's Junior and Xbox does not constitute a date...let's dig a little more and use some of that creativity that I know is in there.

Dear Tooele,
You were almost the one. But I couldn't be happier that you aren't! First of all, you spoke french. Strike one. Secondly, you made me watch endless hours of awful snowboarding movies and listen to endless hours of awful Coldplay music. Strike two. And finally, your legs were too hairy. Strike three.  You did teach me a lot about myself though. I learned that I have the ability to fall in love, and the ability to pick myself  back up from loss. I'm eternally grateful for you, even though I still think you're a big dumb idiot. Also, you're from Tooele...

Dear Ego,
At first you were unbelievably charming. Then I got to know you. Never in my life have I met anyone that likes themself as much as you do. You are the complete package sweetie: perfectly tall, smokin' hot, rich, musical, athletic, and a spiritual giant. But you know all of that, and that makes you unattractive. Also, the whole "go up the canyon, play guitar, and draw together" was an amazing date....until I found out you take every girl on that same date. We did have some good times watching Surf Ninjas, hot tubbing, and endlessly quoting obscure rap songs though. And let's be honest, a kiss in the hot summer rain, on a cliff, during a gorgeous sunset, doesn't happen every day. Thanks for showing me that I can be in relationships again.

Dear "The One",
I don't believe we've met yet darling, but I can already tell you that I am crazy about you! I am so excited to spend my life with you laughing, playing, cooking, kissing, raising babies, road-tripping in our escalade, building forts, quoting awful movies, dance-partying, smiling, and forgiving. I'm praying every night to meet you soon, and hope that when I do, I'll be ready for all of your hotness.






...and you'll be ready for all of this.

Your ever-awkward,
Swampman

thuggets.

Dear Reader,

I am starting to write this post, and now cannot stop thinking about Panda Express....

20 minutes later....

Yes, I just went to Panda Express. I had the rare fortune of getting there right as the new chow mein was being placed behind the no-leaning glass. Christmas miracles do come true. I also encountered an elderly couple in matching jogging uniforms, complete with rainbow clogs. It made me ponder the meaning of life. Also, my unhealthy adoration for old people. As much as I dread aging, being wrinkly and green-tinted does have its perks:

1) No judgement for being at Mcdonalds at 8 am on a Saturday.

2) You can wear hawaiian shirts again.

3) Swear all you want. It's adorable. 

4) Your words are taken as "wisdom". Including stealing quotes from bad Susan Sarandon films. 

5) Retirement funds = Escalade. 

Boy, I can't wait til I get that first gray hair on my head. 

I've learned quite a few life lessons in the past couple of months. Some that would benefit everyone in one way or another. Allow me to share my nuggets of knowledge.      
.....yup, now I want mcnuggets.

Lesson #1: How to get rich quick.

I recently dyed my hair for the first time. It's fabulous. But that's not the point. I used a box dye. Now, as we all know, box dyes include a fun-size bottle of liquid gold. Aka, post-dye conditioner. Using it is like making out with an Australian man in the summer rain. Those of you who have used it know exactly what I'm talking about. My hair has never felt or looked better in my entire life. Now my plan is to stock up on these box dyes, and sell the conditioner on the black market for thrice their value. Brilliant. Also, walking around yelling "besos por pesos!" is now paying for my education. Easy money I tell ya. 

Lesson #2: Don't fall asleep watching Big Trouble in Little China. 

Terrifying dreams.

Lesson #3: Never settle.

This is true with both men and pizza. With men, you have to first realize your worth (mine is approximately $39 million and a small bag of cheddar harvest SunChips). Then you know you deserve someone who is equally amazing as you are. It's not worth it to waste your time dating someone that you're hoping will someday improve to the person you want them to be. It's not fair to them, and it ain't gonna happen. Find someone that you love just the way they are, and quit settling for "projects" or boys with bad breath. As far as pizza goes, don't get Little Caesars just because it's $5. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

Lesson #4: The importance of the 5 minute dance party.

I’ve been under an immense amount of pressure this semester. It’s college, aren’t we all? I’ve tried several ways to blow off steam: baking, cleaning, running, and drawing pictures of Tom Hardy and I on our wedding day. But none of them seem to do the trick. I recently discovered the beauty in turning on a fantastic jam, and dancing my little heart out in the privacy of my bedroom (trust me, no one wants to see my bust a move to “Whoomp, there it is”). I look forward to my ‘Jive for Five’ every day, and highly recommend it to those of you who don’t have a lot of free time and like to get down wit yo bad self.

Lesson #5: Ya like what ya like, and you shouldn’t apologize for it.

We all have things that we like, but are embarrassed to own up to. I say, own up to them! They are part of who you are. And frankly, sometimes you can’t help what you like. This, for example, will forever be my favorite music video. 

(The awkward, wannabe Italian with his shirt falling off is my favorite)

Well Reader, I hope you can take at least one of these nuggets and dip it into your stashed collection of Chik-Fil-A sauce (aka life).

As always,

The Swampman

my life is a gym.

Dear Reader,

I have three favorite places in this world: 1) the temple, 2) the women's bathroom at Olive Garden, and 3) the gym after 6 p.m. This morning, in lieu of my first class being cancelled, I felt the uncommon desire to head on up to the fieldhouse. I learned a very valuable lesson. The gym at 7 a.m.= (for lack of a better term) Fiery Hell Demon.

My journey began when my morning alarm of Chamillionaire went off at 6:25. I consider myself a morning person, so the waking-up part was easy. About halfway up the big hill, I started regretting my decision to run into the blistering winds of Logan before the sun had any chance to warm me up.

I started with pumping some iron. 6 p.m. gym Sam: 12-15 lb weights for 15 minutes. 7 a.m. gym Sam: 10 lb weights during a commercial break of Good Morning America. I moved on to abs. 6 p.m. gym Sam: a 15- minute mixed ab routine. 7 a.m. gym Sam: 30 sit ups then falling half asleep on the mat. I then stretched my right leg for a good 8 minutes....then my left for another 8 minutes. Needless to say, I was feeling limber. Limber and Lazy. The entire time I was on said sleeping mat, a depressed Asian girl stood in the corner and stared at a pipe. Stuff of nightmares. I finished with my run, the usual highlight of my workout. 6 p.m. gym Sam: 3-4 miles on the treadmill while blasting muh Destiny's Child. 7 a.m. gym Sam: two laps around the indoor track, then straight out the door to run the rest of the way home. A total of approximately 3/4 of a mile. Very impressive 7 a.m. gym Sam. Very impressive.

I will say this though, I did feel really refreshed when I got home. That is, until I laid down and realized I could have just been doing that the entire time. Big dumb idiot. I have a new admiration for people who can hit the gym religiously at that time every day. Also, USU ladies, the fieldhouse at 7 a.m.= extremely attractive fellas. Let that be your inspiration to obtaining your physical fitness goals.

I, for one, aspire to look like this man. ---->

As always,
The Swampan

it would only happen to me.

Dear Reader,

         I'm a true believer that after one is dumped, they are entitled to one good make out dream. And who was the guest star in my coupon dream this past week? None other than this man.

Yes, that is Rick Moranis. You can officially feel bad for me.

         Ya know those awkward moments when you're like "that would seriously only happen to me...." yeah, well I've had a couple winners this week.

         On my first day in physiology lab, I sat in my chair scanning the room for handsome gents. Of course there are only two in the entire class, one of whom was proudly reppin his wedding band. The other, to my delight, was a total fox (It's going to be a 20 woman cat fight this semester).  Our small asian teacher decided to show a video about the reproductive system on the first day. Being a health major, I'm accustomed to hearing the words testes and fallopian quite often, so that wasn't a big deal. The real kicker came when right as the video talked about sperm tails falling off inside of the woman's egg, I gave a disgusted look and made accidental eye contact with the fox. Consider that relationship nipped in the bud. 

         On Tuesday night I decide to have a night in by myself. A "Sammi-Jammy Party" as I like to call them. I've recently fallen in love with the Keri Hilson version of "Turn my Swag On", and decided to put on a little concert in my bedroom. Now before I go on, you should know my philosophy of  "If I can't see you, you can't see me" (pretty self explanatory).  So there I was gettin all kindsa thug in my flat-rimmed North Carolina hat, with my bedroom window wide open. I finished off with a super fly Michael Jackson-esque spin and noticed two guys standing not but 15 feet away with a look of embarrassment for me. I wish them many months of incurable mono. 

         Gosh I love my life. Reader, do yourself a favor today: listen to "Dreams" by The Cranberries, drink some Diet Coke, and take some much needed you time. 

Happy three-day weekend to you all.

-The Swampman

dating application.

Dating.
When you read that word you either smiled, thinking about your perfect evening last night, or you cringed and possibly vomited up that half pound of little beef sausages you just enhaled (oh wait, that was me).
I for one enjoy dating, but will admit it has been a bit frustrating lately. For someone like me who has been in and out of a serious relationship, it is annoying to have to start back over with an array of awkward first dates. To make my life easier, I have devised a short cut. Allow me to introduce you to......

The "I'd love to get some from Samantha Florence Reeves" dating application

(boys from Tooele need not apply)

1) Highest level of Education:
a. high school grad
b. high school drop out
c. wutz hy skool?
d. Phd in anthropological studies

2) Name of Cologne:
a. Lustful Desire
b. Purely Hombre
c. Feather in the Window of an English Cottage
d. Swagger

3) Favorite Band:
a. The Beatles
b. The Beatles
c. The Beatles
d. Nickelback (if chosen, feel free to crumple up this paper and dispose in nearest trash reciprocal)

4) Political affiliation:
a. Republican
b.Democrat
c. Utah Democrat (aka Hipster)
d. Ron Paul Revolutionist (aka Hipster)

5) Choice of Beverage:
a. Diet Coke
b. Pepsi (oh man, you almost made the cut)
c. Mellow Yellow
d. MULK!!

6) Fill in the blank. I think Megan Fox is_____:
a. Unbelievably creepy
b. Insanely frightening
c. Terrifying. Just terrifying.
d. All of the above

7) Favorite film:
a. Anything with Morgan Freeman
b. Anything without Morgan Freeman
c. "The Buttercream Gang"
d. "The Buttercream Gang II"

8) Hobbies:
a. Sports, Sports Center, Sports
b. Slack-lining, drinking tea, discussing literature that no one has heard of
c. Volunteering at animal shelters, making Italian food, making out
d. Halo, Call of Duty, Gears of War

9) Fill in the blank. Samantha Reeves reminds me of_____
a. A newborn naked mole rat
b. Dakota Fanning
c. my grandpa
d. A kiwi (both the fruit and the bird)

10) My ideal first date with Samantha would include:
a. Cafe Rio, playing at a park, and watching a cheesy kung-fu movie
b. A slurpee drinking contest, finger painting, and learning the lyrics to "We didn't start the fire"
c. A trip to the zoo, dinner in Salt Lake, and a saucy first kiss
d. Playing tennis, getting ice cream, and an even saucier first kiss

11) Fill in the blank. I wouldn't be caught dead_____
a. Listening to Phil Collins' greatest hits album
b. Buying off-brand oreos
c. Wearing pajama pants in public
d. Anywhere near K-mart

12) I would say my body is most similar to:
a. Ryan Gosling's
b. Chris Brown's
c. Dwight Howard's
d. My great-aunt Bethina's

13) My biggest flaw is:
a. Chronic Athlete's foot
b. Being too dang sexy
c. Fear of commitment
d. Unhealthy love of cheese graters

14) My best feature is:
a. My thick hair that will never wilt away into a combover
b. My muscly calves that have just the right amount of hair on them
c. My sculpted shoulders that your head would fit perfectly on
d. My personality (ew)

15) My favorite member of 98 degrees was:
a. Nick Lachey
b. Drew Lachey
c. Justin Jeffre
d. Jeff Timmons

Applications can be printed, filled out in blue or black ink, and dropped of stalkerishly in my window sill. Please attach a current full-body photograph. 

None of this, "Well, I was skinny and had hair in 2008!" crap.

As usual, 

        Samantha Florence (aka The Swampman)

priddy tipz.

Dear Reader,
Lovely weather we're having! So far this summer I've watched a season and a half of Grey's Anatomy, attained 49 new freckles, and heard approximately 17 new Nicki Minaj songs on the radio. You can be jealous.

Reader, today I'm feeling particularly generous and have decided to share with you some of my best "priddy tipz."

1) How to properly thin your hair.
Now, I only discovered this little treasure last Thursday while I was getting ready for a date. What you want to do is put a significant amount of curling gel/mousse in your hair, then hold the blow-dryer a little too close. Voila, burnt hair. Then, after a few moments of panic, you will comb through the burnt hair and magically half of your hair will just fall right out! I tell you what, my hair has never felt so thin!

2) When applying eye makeup remember, more-ish is whore-ish.
This next priddy tip is one that could land you your next career or truck-driving boyfriend--probably both. Read carefully. You want to start with a solid layer of black eye shadow over your entire eye lid. Then add silver shimmer all the way into your eye brow, maybe even a little on top if you're feeling extra daring. Then, for some exotic effect, attempt the Cleopatra eye liner. The more uneven the sides are, the classier you will look. Then finish it off with a colorful mascara, maybe a nice pink or turquoise. Boom. You're a star.

3) Sam's ultimate skin remedy
Ya'll ready for this? Start by getting acne at age 12 (this really helps with your success rate). At age 14, start  spending $150 every couple months on prescription skin care products. These include Sodium Sulfacetamide wash, Benzoyl Peroxide spot treatment, Clindamycin lotion, Tretinoin cream, and Doxycycline pills. It's incredibly simple! Anyone can do it.

(For reals though, dab a cue-tip into some olive oil and use it as a spot treatment. It works wonders. Also, do cream facials weekly!)

Too hot to handle.

4) Always wear two sports bras when going to your air-conditioned gym.
No explanation needed.

5) When in doubt, shave those puppies.
I don't know about you, but I often find myself in the shower contemplating whether or not to shave my legs. I have learned from many an awkward experience that you should just always shave them. Always. I can't tell you how many times I have decided to just wear pants or long capris on a date and still had the boy touch my ankle. His facial expression is usually one of "well....let's pretend THAT didn't just happen." Talk about nipping a relationship in the bud.

6) It's all about the nails.
One of the first things a fetus develops is fingernails. This really exemplifies their importance. I once read that a way to a boys heart is through your fingernails. I've made this my life motto. The tip here is to change your nail color every 3 days. Every two days if you really want to seduce that hotty in your computer class. Avoid the all white color. It looks like you used white-out. Yellows suggest nail fungus. Black is okay for special occasions, but you don't want people thinking you are a huge Avril Lavigne fan, so use it sparingly.

You're welcome.
-The Swampman