Wednesday, January 5, 2011

the far too convenient truth.

Dear Reader,
Five days is the national average for people keeping their New Years goals. In that case, happy "Giving Up My Resolutions Day!" Three resolutions that are notorious for failing 68.7% of the time include improving one's physique, conquering everyday fears, and finally pursuing that "Special Someone." I'm here to give you the ultimate advice on how to make these infamous resolutions become actualities in your life. Shall we begin?

Let's talk bodies. 92% of Americans are currently unhappy with their body.
First things first, start loving yourself. A positive attitude will shed 48% of those unwanted pounds. Believe it. The other 52% will simply come from this: lifting food cans for five minutes every night, and cutting out those darn orange Doritos. A word of caution- make sure the contents of your cans are equal in weight. I certainly wouldn't want you to end your year's journey with a baked beans muscle in one arm and a pringles lump in the other.

For fears, I have the only proven antidote. Whether it's a slight germophobia, or an intense fear of bees, Melanie Watt's award winning novel "Scaredy Squirrel" does the trick. It's the tale of a small squirrel who never leaves his nut tree. He lets his fears control his woodland creature lifestyle. It also includes charming illustrations, wacky fonts, and best of all, a fold out page. These 34 pages of pure gold will resolve 46.1% more of your problems than the leading psychotherapists. Believe it. Buy it. Live it.

79.8% of Americans are too nervous to reach out to the person of their fancy.
Believe it. Let's cut the unnecessary drama this year and make a change. Stop simply staring across the room at your crush. This year, make up lame excuses to walk past them at least 4 times a day. If this doesn't get you noticed, it will at least burn off those orange Doritos you sneaked the night before. 2011 is the year for boldness, so stop leaving those creepy secret-admirer notes, and start signing your dang name.

Dear Reader, my suggestions are fail-proof. I highly advise you to take them into consideration as you make significantly easier resolutions for yourself tomorrow on National "Yikes That Was Hard, It's Time To Simplify My Resolutions Day." Believe it.

(Disclaimer: Statistics used in this post are 99.9% false)

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