Many of you have read blog posts titled "Dear Boy..." where a blogger will go through her past love life and identify the problems in each of her relationships. I figure, now is a good a time as ever for me to do the same. I can safely say I'm grateful for each relationship I have been in, because I have learned valuable lessons from each fella. Hold on to your juice box kiddo, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Dear as-close-as-I'll-ever-get-to-Seth-Cohen,
Ah the first boyfriend. I still remember when I beat you at Soul Calibur. Best day ever. I like that we played with our Pokemon cards and called each other "noobs". Also, you smelled like clean laundry. It was swell. But dear, a word of advice: if you want to make a move on a girl, don't put your legs on her and start singing Relient K. It's awkward for everyone...
Dear Warrior,
I still cannot believe I dated someone as attractive as you. Thanks for the bragging rights. You gave me my very first kiss....then the next day said that you were were really tired last night and couldn't remember if it really happened (did I mention it was Valentine's day?). True you were kind of a db....I mean you asked me to prom, dumped me, then asked my best friend....but you are definitely a great person, with a lot of talent, and a lot of luscious, brown skin. One day you wore white shorts and was called a tool by numerous members of my family. Sorry to say it, but I agreed.
Dear Ex-Con,
Oh dear. You were my first "grown up" relationship (if we can even call it that). I once locked my keys in my car, and had you call the cops to come open it. When you told them your name, you went through about 15 minutes of questioning. I sat there thinking to myself: is this normal? --It wasn't.
Dear Jock,
You made me laugh harder than I ever thought imaginable. It's hard to find anything bad to say about you, because you were my best friend for an entire Summer, and you helped me through some unimaginably difficult times. Unfortunately, that's all we were capable of being: best friends. My one advice honey, Carl's Junior and Xbox does not constitute a date...let's dig a little more and use some of that creativity that I know is in there.
Dear Tooele,
You were almost the one. But I couldn't be happier that you aren't! First of all, you spoke french. Strike one. Secondly, you made me watch endless hours of awful snowboarding movies and listen to endless hours of awful Coldplay music. Strike two. And finally, your legs were too hairy. Strike three. You did teach me a lot about myself though. I learned that I have the ability to fall in love, and the ability to pick myself back up from loss. I'm eternally grateful for you, even though I still think you're a big dumb idiot. Also, you're from Tooele...
Dear Ego,
At first you were unbelievably charming. Then I got to know you. Never in my life have I met anyone that likes themself as much as you do. You are the complete package sweetie: perfectly tall, smokin' hot, rich, musical, athletic, and a spiritual giant. But you know all of that, and that makes you unattractive. Also, the whole "go up the canyon, play guitar, and draw together" was an amazing date....until I found out you take every girl on that same date. We did have some good times watching Surf Ninjas, hot tubbing, and endlessly quoting obscure rap songs though. And let's be honest, a kiss in the hot summer rain, on a cliff, during a gorgeous sunset, doesn't happen every day. Thanks for showing me that I can be in relationships again.
Dear "The One",
I don't believe we've met yet darling, but I can already tell you that I am crazy about you! I am so excited to spend my life with you laughing, playing, cooking, kissing, raising babies, road-tripping in our escalade, building forts, quoting awful movies, dance-partying, smiling, and forgiving. I'm praying every night to meet you soon, and hope that when I do, I'll be ready for all of your hotness.
...and you'll be ready for all of this.
Your ever-awkward,
Swampman
