it would only happen to me.

Dear Reader,

         I'm a true believer that after one is dumped, they are entitled to one good make out dream. And who was the guest star in my coupon dream this past week? None other than this man.

Yes, that is Rick Moranis. You can officially feel bad for me.

         Ya know those awkward moments when you're like "that would seriously only happen to me...." yeah, well I've had a couple winners this week.

         On my first day in physiology lab, I sat in my chair scanning the room for handsome gents. Of course there are only two in the entire class, one of whom was proudly reppin his wedding band. The other, to my delight, was a total fox (It's going to be a 20 woman cat fight this semester).  Our small asian teacher decided to show a video about the reproductive system on the first day. Being a health major, I'm accustomed to hearing the words testes and fallopian quite often, so that wasn't a big deal. The real kicker came when right as the video talked about sperm tails falling off inside of the woman's egg, I gave a disgusted look and made accidental eye contact with the fox. Consider that relationship nipped in the bud. 

         On Tuesday night I decide to have a night in by myself. A "Sammi-Jammy Party" as I like to call them. I've recently fallen in love with the Keri Hilson version of "Turn my Swag On", and decided to put on a little concert in my bedroom. Now before I go on, you should know my philosophy of  "If I can't see you, you can't see me" (pretty self explanatory).  So there I was gettin all kindsa thug in my flat-rimmed North Carolina hat, with my bedroom window wide open. I finished off with a super fly Michael Jackson-esque spin and noticed two guys standing not but 15 feet away with a look of embarrassment for me. I wish them many months of incurable mono. 

         Gosh I love my life. Reader, do yourself a favor today: listen to "Dreams" by The Cranberries, drink some Diet Coke, and take some much needed you time. 

Happy three-day weekend to you all.

-The Swampman

dating application.

Dating.
When you read that word you either smiled, thinking about your perfect evening last night, or you cringed and possibly vomited up that half pound of little beef sausages you just enhaled (oh wait, that was me).
I for one enjoy dating, but will admit it has been a bit frustrating lately. For someone like me who has been in and out of a serious relationship, it is annoying to have to start back over with an array of awkward first dates. To make my life easier, I have devised a short cut. Allow me to introduce you to......

The "I'd love to get some from Samantha Florence Reeves" dating application

(boys from Tooele need not apply)

1) Highest level of Education:
a. high school grad
b. high school drop out
c. wutz hy skool?
d. Phd in anthropological studies

2) Name of Cologne:
a. Lustful Desire
b. Purely Hombre
c. Feather in the Window of an English Cottage
d. Swagger

3) Favorite Band:
a. The Beatles
b. The Beatles
c. The Beatles
d. Nickelback (if chosen, feel free to crumple up this paper and dispose in nearest trash reciprocal)

4) Political affiliation:
a. Republican
b.Democrat
c. Utah Democrat (aka Hipster)
d. Ron Paul Revolutionist (aka Hipster)

5) Choice of Beverage:
a. Diet Coke
b. Pepsi (oh man, you almost made the cut)
c. Mellow Yellow
d. MULK!!

6) Fill in the blank. I think Megan Fox is_____:
a. Unbelievably creepy
b. Insanely frightening
c. Terrifying. Just terrifying.
d. All of the above

7) Favorite film:
a. Anything with Morgan Freeman
b. Anything without Morgan Freeman
c. "The Buttercream Gang"
d. "The Buttercream Gang II"

8) Hobbies:
a. Sports, Sports Center, Sports
b. Slack-lining, drinking tea, discussing literature that no one has heard of
c. Volunteering at animal shelters, making Italian food, making out
d. Halo, Call of Duty, Gears of War

9) Fill in the blank. Samantha Reeves reminds me of_____
a. A newborn naked mole rat
b. Dakota Fanning
c. my grandpa
d. A kiwi (both the fruit and the bird)

10) My ideal first date with Samantha would include:
a. Cafe Rio, playing at a park, and watching a cheesy kung-fu movie
b. A slurpee drinking contest, finger painting, and learning the lyrics to "We didn't start the fire"
c. A trip to the zoo, dinner in Salt Lake, and a saucy first kiss
d. Playing tennis, getting ice cream, and an even saucier first kiss

11) Fill in the blank. I wouldn't be caught dead_____
a. Listening to Phil Collins' greatest hits album
b. Buying off-brand oreos
c. Wearing pajama pants in public
d. Anywhere near K-mart

12) I would say my body is most similar to:
a. Ryan Gosling's
b. Chris Brown's
c. Dwight Howard's
d. My great-aunt Bethina's

13) My biggest flaw is:
a. Chronic Athlete's foot
b. Being too dang sexy
c. Fear of commitment
d. Unhealthy love of cheese graters

14) My best feature is:
a. My thick hair that will never wilt away into a combover
b. My muscly calves that have just the right amount of hair on them
c. My sculpted shoulders that your head would fit perfectly on
d. My personality (ew)

15) My favorite member of 98 degrees was:
a. Nick Lachey
b. Drew Lachey
c. Justin Jeffre
d. Jeff Timmons

Applications can be printed, filled out in blue or black ink, and dropped of stalkerishly in my window sill. Please attach a current full-body photograph. 

None of this, "Well, I was skinny and had hair in 2008!" crap.

As usual, 

        Samantha Florence (aka The Swampman)

priddy tipz.

Dear Reader,
Lovely weather we're having! So far this summer I've watched a season and a half of Grey's Anatomy, attained 49 new freckles, and heard approximately 17 new Nicki Minaj songs on the radio. You can be jealous.

Reader, today I'm feeling particularly generous and have decided to share with you some of my best "priddy tipz."

1) How to properly thin your hair.
Now, I only discovered this little treasure last Thursday while I was getting ready for a date. What you want to do is put a significant amount of curling gel/mousse in your hair, then hold the blow-dryer a little too close. Voila, burnt hair. Then, after a few moments of panic, you will comb through the burnt hair and magically half of your hair will just fall right out! I tell you what, my hair has never felt so thin!

2) When applying eye makeup remember, more-ish is whore-ish.
This next priddy tip is one that could land you your next career or truck-driving boyfriend--probably both. Read carefully. You want to start with a solid layer of black eye shadow over your entire eye lid. Then add silver shimmer all the way into your eye brow, maybe even a little on top if you're feeling extra daring. Then, for some exotic effect, attempt the Cleopatra eye liner. The more uneven the sides are, the classier you will look. Then finish it off with a colorful mascara, maybe a nice pink or turquoise. Boom. You're a star.

3) Sam's ultimate skin remedy
Ya'll ready for this? Start by getting acne at age 12 (this really helps with your success rate). At age 14, start  spending $150 every couple months on prescription skin care products. These include Sodium Sulfacetamide wash, Benzoyl Peroxide spot treatment, Clindamycin lotion, Tretinoin cream, and Doxycycline pills. It's incredibly simple! Anyone can do it.

(For reals though, dab a cue-tip into some olive oil and use it as a spot treatment. It works wonders. Also, do cream facials weekly!)

Too hot to handle.

4) Always wear two sports bras when going to your air-conditioned gym.
No explanation needed.

5) When in doubt, shave those puppies.
I don't know about you, but I often find myself in the shower contemplating whether or not to shave my legs. I have learned from many an awkward experience that you should just always shave them. Always. I can't tell you how many times I have decided to just wear pants or long capris on a date and still had the boy touch my ankle. His facial expression is usually one of "well....let's pretend THAT didn't just happen." Talk about nipping a relationship in the bud.

6) It's all about the nails.
One of the first things a fetus develops is fingernails. This really exemplifies their importance. I once read that a way to a boys heart is through your fingernails. I've made this my life motto. The tip here is to change your nail color every 3 days. Every two days if you really want to seduce that hotty in your computer class. Avoid the all white color. It looks like you used white-out. Yellows suggest nail fungus. Black is okay for special occasions, but you don't want people thinking you are a huge Avril Lavigne fan, so use it sparingly.

You're welcome.
-The Swampman

julie z. nash reeves: a woman, a legend.

Dear Reader,
        In case you didn't notice the abundance of flowers, cheesy cards, and Glenn Close films at your local Walmart, today is Mother's Day. I sincerely wish I had my collection of one-eyed baby dolls to thank me for everything I ever did for them (feeding them old Chinese food and giving them "make-overs"). I'd say I made a pretty good provider.

        I would like to dedicate my post today to my mother, Julie "Zapple" Nash Reeves. For those of you who don't know her, let me fill you in on this amazing woman:
       She is without a doubt the most selfless person I have ever met. When I was five, my family took a 19 day trip to all the big cities in the east coast. Refusing to walk like a human being, my mother carried me around on her well-equipped fanny pack for the entire trip. She is always willing to give me her coat when I forget mine (which I have never done, right mom?). And she always slips me some of her food at restaurants when I order something far too advanced for my taste buds (aka, anything besides the child's macaroni and cheese).
       She is BEAUTIFUL. When Star Wars came out, everyone told her she looked just like Princess Leia. (although, she's aged significantly better than Carrie Fisher). She has an incredibly friendly smile that she shares with everyone, and I have always wished that I looked more like her.
       She is insanely talented. Along with being an unbelievable pianist and composer, she managed to transform this girl:

into this girl:

....who is secretly this girl:

         She has incredible taste in music. Not only will she and I pretend to conduct one of Mozart's symphonies while sitting in front of the stereo, she loves rocking out to the Doors, CCR, the Beatles, Boston, and has even admitted that she likes rap (she claims it's because she likes the beat, but we all know it's for those "inspiring" lyrics).
         She is tough as nails. Seriously. I would love to see a fight between her and Carl Weathers.
         She loves to dance in the kitchen when she's cooking. I absolutely love this about her. Many a time have we "mashed-potato'd" while mashing potatoes.
         She is the epitome of an optimist. I've never once heard her complain. Even after two painful, unsuccessful inner-ear surgeries, she was still laughing.
         She is a true California girl. Ya know, the kind that the Beach Boys would sing about.
         I heard she has a super big crush on Shawn Reeves.......
        
And now, a note to my mama:
Mom, you really are my best friend. I have gone through a lot of unexpected trials over this past year, and you have been right by my side. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I've loved every adventure we have had together (camping trips, education week, 2 am chocolate chip pancake nights, road trip to California, etc.). As much as I love living in Logan, I miss being able to play with you everyday. I look forward to our fun times in the future (which will obviously include tapioca). I am so lucky to have been born to such an incredible mother. I love you!!!

p.s. I really do think you are the "funny one" in the family :)

I feel like this picture really sums up our relationship....

       
Love always,
      The Swampman

life as i have it.

Dear Reader,
I made a disturbing discovery about myself the other day, and I feel as though I should share it with you:
There I was, watching my Korean soap opera, drinking a Dr. Pepper, and looking through a knitting magazine. My day had consisted of googling "cute kittens", choosing not to shave my legs, and scanning celeb gossip for a good hour and a half (OMG did you hear that Demi Moore is out of rehab now?) This particular Saturday night (yeah...it was the weekend) had not been one out of my norm. As I paused and looked at my reflection in the silver bag lining my Corn Pops cereal box, I saw staring back at me.....a spinstress.

They say admitting it is the first step, right?

I don't know why this new develop came as such a shock to me. I should have seen the signs long ago:
-I haven't completely blow-dried or remotely straightened my hair in almost two months.
-Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant. I'm getting more single by the minute.
-I've begun researching loneliness diseases on webmd.
-Nothing makes me laugh harder than birthday cards featuring old ladies with inappropriate jokes.
-I really really REALLY love cats.
-I'm considering buying Rosetta Stone discs and learning Russian (the official language of spinsters)
-I have a poster of Spike from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' in my bedroom.
-Every song I hear seems to say, "Hey Sam, remember how you're not dating anyone and you're going to die alone in your room watching 'Anne of Green Gables' and eating tomato soup?"
-I like 'NCIS' (I hear this can be the most telling symptom).
-I have an obscure infatuation with Martin Van Buren.
-I accidentally put a pumice stone in my shopping cart last Wednesday.
-On this same shopping trip, I read the entire synopsis of a saucy romance novel titled 'Juanita's Inhibitions' while waiting in line.

Reader, I fear I've fallen too far into the web that I've spun (carefully spun with 100% Icelandic wool). Your visits to me would be enjoyed, recipes welcomed, and advice about how to remove grape juice stains from bathtubs...always appreciated.
Much love and harmony,
          The Swampman.....Spinstress......Swimptress

Samantha Florence Reeves, in the year of our Lord 2023

i am, i am.

Have you ever really thought to yourself, "Who am I?" I find it quite enjoyable to take some time off of studying for exams (playing Mario Kart) and working out (eating Oreos) to think about this. This is what I've come up with concerning who I am:
I am Sam.
Sam I am.
I am a girl.
I am a student at Utah State University. (Go Aggies)
I am an after-school program teacher at Millville Elementary. (Go Cougars)
I am a big advocate for 3 a.m. Macaroni and Cheese. (Kraft only. Don't be giving me that Western Family mulch)
I am a rock.
I am an Island. 
I am skeptical of designer jeans.
I am only now beginning to mourn the death of Amy Winehouse.
I am currently craving celery soup. (I neither like celery nor soup)
I am the future wife of Dwayne Wade.
I am easily distracted by people that hum.
I am really quite photogenic. (see above image)
I am constantly singing "Jump Around" in my head.
I am a wearer of Vans.
I am the owner of 2 copies of "The Lizzie McGuire Movie".
I am slightly addicted to mango lemonade.
I am extremely addicted to "Stairway to Heaven" (fabulous Korean soap opera)
I am a master at singing "Losing My Religion" in an Indian accent.
I am deathly afraid of guy's thighs.
I am awesome at doing jumping jacks across cross walks.
I am a big fan of gettin' thug at least once a week.
I am a protestor against Einstein Bagels closing at 5:30. That's just wrong.
I am easily entertained by watching my calves jiggle as I shake my feet.
I am blonde. Both on the outside, and the inside.
I am a bandwagon Ryan Gosling admirer.
I am the designated insect-killer in my apartment.
I am baffled by wiggle boards.
I am one of those obnoxious people that will correct your ill grammar.
I am that one kid who would cover her hands in rubber cement and play with it at recess.
I am a friend to a large family of ducks that live by my apartment.
And I am a Mormon....(couldn't resist) 

Peace & Love <3 (I just made a heart with one of these < and a 3. Technology is nuts.)
-The Swampman

little miss sunshine.

Dear Reader,
I'm in a particularly grand mood today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and an attractive Asian just walked past me in the library (a very rare occasion indeed). I feel as though I should share the sunshine in my heart and tell you some of the little things in life that just make me simply giddy with joy!

Boys in V-necks. Yum. (I could really end the list here...)
Finding leftovers in my fridge.
When people whistle at awkwardly loud volumes in public places. 
Waking up and realizing it's Saturday.
When windows paint rainbows on the wall.
"Be Calm" by Fun.
Jiggly cankles.
Diet Coke. Duh.
When "Space Jam" is on t.v. at my hotel.
Going to the first day of classes and seeing a gorgeous brown man in my class.
When people use words like "cusp" or "dilly-dallying".
"Marcel the Shell with Shoes on" (a must-see youtube series)
Googling 'cute penguin babies'.
Condescending Wonka tweets (ex. Oh, so you hate Kony? You should go defeat him with a status. That'll help.)
Making fun of overly-liberal hipsters ("I was a vegetarian BEFORE meat was even invented.")
New Lil' Wayne songs.
When Sunny D is on sale at Walmart (Yes, I shop at Walmart)
The plastic man-torso that lives in my apartment.
Bill Cosby.

 <<----------This sloth.









Sports bra Tuesdays. (religiously observed)
When the free song of the day on I-tunes doesn't totally sound like a garage band on pixie sticks.
When that super popular girl in your ward has a hideous picture in the ward directory.
Building blanket forts with Emily Landeen.
When the flirty white guy is working at Cafe Rio and I know I'm gonna get extra chicken on my salad.
Watching Hot Rod and eating very cherry jelly beans.
When my nephew Corgan tells me I'm his best friend.
When people get my Karate Kid II references.
Beating Ludwig Von Koopa in Super Mario World. (Saved the best for last, didn't I?)

Oh how the list could go on. Moral of the story: Be happy ya big dumb idiots! Life is good! There is no excuse for acting like Kristen Stewart on her menstrual cycle. Make a list of things that make you happy and go get yourself a Charleston Chew. (Bet you haven't had one in eons)

-Your ever-snickering Swampman